Relax

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Recently, at a Sexual Addiction Lifeline (SAL) meeting, I received a token and a hug to celebrate my sobriety. When asked how I accomplished it, I shared this motto:

"Relax into Jesus. He'll make you better, but you'll always be enough."

Specifically, I shared how relaxing into Jesus has been one of the keys to my sobriety. But the other parts of that motto have been equally impactful.

The phrase "Relax into Jesus" speaks of concepts like faith and surrender. I don't always feel God’s presence, so at times, letting go and surrendering to him feels like a trust fall, but he never fails to catch me. 

The word "Relax" feels appropriate, as Jesus has promised that his yoke is easy and his burden light (Matthew 11:28-30). Recently, I was hurt by someone close to me. It was difficult, but I handed the pain and anger to Jesus in a mental and verbal effort. I had to do it repeatedly, but eventually walked away free of the pain and anger.

The phrase "He'll make you better" speaks to progress and improvement. God's transformative power is a central aspect of my recovery. This is the hard part though. C.S. Lewis compared it to a house being remodeled: It's not surprising when the drains are set right, and the leaks in the roof are stopped. But at times, the house gets knocked about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. God is building quite a different house from the one I envision. It's tough sometimes - really tough. But the more I relax into it, the better it goes.

Finally, the phrase "You'll always be enough" is a reminder of God's unconditional love. This has been a challenging but crucial realization for me, as I have struggled with the fear that God might be disappointed in me. 

You see, I've done some bad things. I've hurt people and taken advantage of others in some of their worst moments. I've raised my voice and fists to God with hot tears of anger and frustration on my cheeks. I've certainly imagined that He was upset with me. But I've never felt it. Never. His love for me is baffling in its depth and unwaveringly unconditional.

What now? 

  • Relax! Not into destructive behavior, but into your higher power. Embrace the truth that your higher power is bigger than the storm you’re in. 

  • Be changed. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not me that changes. It’s my higher power that changes me. You can feel it as a pull, a good desire, a positive emotion, a little hope, a little strength. Accept it and have fun acting on it.

  • Know you’re enough. Your higher power is not disappointed in you. And he’s not way off somewhere. He stands as close as you'll allow, arms open with sympathy and love in his eyes, roaring like a lion against your enemy.

By Ty, Writing Team

Grace

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I’ve always loved the word Grace but struggled to see how it applied to my life specifically. 

One day I was listening to an interview of an author who was talking about a book she wrote on the topic of Grace.  She started by stating that it’s easy to misunderstand Grace.  She then described Grace this way:  “It's when you experience the Lord coming into your life, and you think to yourself, ‘Okay, this is strength beyond my own. This is increasing my capacity. This is taking what I knew previously of love, and magnifying it, or peace and magnifying it, or hope and magnifying it.’  That is what grace does. And as we learn to start watching for what that feels like in our lives, and we can put our finger on it, then we realize this is Jesus Christ …...making me more, making me enough. He's making me the best me in this situation, then that's grace.”

She went on to describe specific instances in her life when the Grace of our Savior Jesus Christ had enabled her.  As she described her own Grace moments, my own personal experiences miraculously popped into my head - like learning a foreign language on my mission when I had suffered miserably through my foreign language classes in high school - or knowing quickly my spouse was whom I should marry.  

I also recalled losing our first child and being told we may never bear our own children, yet then the miracle of making it to my third trimester of pregnancy with our second child despite having to spend the last several weeks on bed rest. I was endowed with grace when I was able to deliver a healthy baby girl at 39 weeks.

I also thought about my five-month-old son’s hospitalization and subsequent exploratory surgery. And when my husband shared with me his ongoing struggle with an addiction, that I thought he had overcome.  In those moments I had been undeniably blessed with peace.  

I recall the clarity of taking the next right steps that I know were enabled through the Grace of my Savior.  As I listened to that interview I felt like I finally knew the word that so completely described what I had struggled to describe in the past.  I had referred to it as “being carried” but in fact it was my Savior’s GRACE enabling me. 

Psalms 18:36 reads “Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.”

By recognizing Grace as strength beyond my own and having my steps enlarged I now see that I have continually been blessed by Grace.  Jesus has been nearby all along and I am beginning to see better the power of my Savior's Grace in my life everyday. 

What next?  
Perhaps you too can identify your own Grace moments by reflecting on the question, “When have I felt enabled beyond my own capacity?” 

By Nicole, Writing Team

Hugging the Cactus

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In his acceptance speech for a cinematic award, actor Robert Downey Jr. thanked his friend Mel Gibson, for saving him after a lot of public attention about Downry’s drug and alcohol addictions by taking him in when no one else would, feeding him and employing him, setting him on the path to recovery from addiction. 

“… he (Gibson) said that if I accepted responsibility for my wrongdoings and if I embrace that part of my soul that was ugly - hugging the cactus as he called it - because he said that if I hug the cactus long enough, I'd become a man of some humility, and that my life would take on a new meaning. And I did and it worked.”

Downey then invited Hollywood to forgive Gibson for his very public failures, adding that the Industry is the wrong place to be casting stones and thinking someone is without sins. 

In twelve step work we write down the exact nature of our wrongs and confess them to a Higher Power - God as we understand Him - and later, with guidance from a sponsor who has done it before - make amends where possible. 

In the final part of that reconciliation, we seek to forgive ourselves. We hug the cactus. 

I’ve been through the steps multiple times with several awesome sponsors and yet I find I still wince as I hug the cactus. 

Am I really lovable with all of my flaws? Am I really worthy of God’s infinite love? Intellectually and spiritually I believe it to be true. But deep down, emotionally I catch myself hanging on to the mold of self-doubt, keeping it buried deep in the dark where it can grow and remain seemingly undetected. 

How do we know if we are refusing the cactus? 

  1. We can’t take compliments. Quick to praise others and to go out of the way to give others the spotlight. We wilt when it is shined on us. 

  2. We’re quick to get annoyed with another for a personality defect. Usually because it is shining light on our own defects. 

  3. We feel a bit “off” all the time, even after intense spiritual experiences. 

  4. We’re jealous of other’s accomplishments. 

Matthew 7:3, New King James Version: “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?”

Self kindness is one of my largest struggles. It is also denying the grace of Christ who already purchased my sins. I still grab onto some of them, refusing to really give them to Him. Perhaps giving them to Him at times but then sneaking them back. 

What now? It’s time to let go and let God. Give away the cancer within. A therapist, clergy, friend, or sponsor or all the above help guide us to let God in and cleanse us, removing all the spines so when we hug the cactus it does us no harm.

By Pete, Writing Team