Learning to be my authentic self

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Growing up I made agreements with myself that I was inadequate and unworthy of love. One of the biggest agreements I made, and didn’t realize until I was 42 years old, was that I was defective because I was quiet in social situations and felt really anxious about not knowing what to say to other people. In these situations I preferred to stay in the background and observe every little detail around me. 

Throughout my life I’ve had a few close friendships. During my teenage school years I distinctly remember noticing how the kids with really fun and outgoing personalities were always well liked by everyone at school and church, including by adults. The message I told myself was that if I was outgoing and talkative then people would like me and I would have lots of friends. Later in high school I was labeled a snob because I was quiet. Again this reinforced the message that being quiet was a bad thing. 

Soon after getting married, my wife told me how some of her friends had asked her why I never talked much when they first met me. The narrative was again reinforced that clearly being quiet was bad if my wife’s friends were questioning her about it. 

This agreement has even crept into my career. Anytime I’ve been passed over for promotions or job opportunities the narrative that  played in my head said it was because I was not outgoing and talkative enough.  

I’ve tried many times over the years to fit in and be more outgoing like “normal” people but it has never worked for me. All I ever received was a ton of anxiety as I tried to be anything but quiet which made me even more quiet and reinforced my agreement that I was clearly defective because I was unable to change. 

About 2 years ago, my wife and I were in the middle of a meeting with our therapist when he mentioned something about me being introverted. As soon as he said it my throat tightened up and my palms got really sweaty. He could tell this made me feel really uncomfortable and he said, “I don’t know why you can’t own being introverted.” 

He then shared the following quote by Patricia T. Holland, Author and Speaker, that has been very impactful to me:


“God needs us as we are, as we are growing to become. He has intentionally made us different from one another so that even with our imperfections we can fulfill his purposes. My greatest misery comes when I feel I have to fit what others are doing, or what I think others expect of me. I am most happy when I am comfortable being me and trying to do what God and I expect me to be.

I have learned through several fatiguing failures that you can’t have joy in being bubbly if you are not a bubbly person. It is a contradiction in terms. I have given up seeing myself as a flawed person because my energy level is lower than someone else’s, and I don’t talk as much as they do, nor as fast. Giving this up has freed me to embrace and rejoice in my own manner and personality in the measure of my creation.

…Somewhere, somehow the Lord blipped the message onto my screen that my personality was created to fit precisely the mission and talents he gave me… Miraculously, I have found that I have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. But the moment I indulge in imitation of my neighbor, I feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream. When we frustrate God’s plan for us, we deprive this world and God’s kingdom of our unique contributions and a serious schism settles in our soul. God never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. We just have to be willing to do it our own way. We will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become…”


That day in our therapist’s office changed me and was the catalyst for breaking this agreement I’ve had my entire life. Nobody had ever given me permission to own being introverted and I started to see that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all. For the first time in my life, I started to feel that maybe I really wasn’t defective and that I’m okay being me.

What now?  What truths about yourself have you rejected because you perceived them in the wrong light?  Write them down and ponder “How can I more lovingly accept myself as I am?”

By Seth, Writing Team

Free and Found

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I have a blackboard at home where I keep some of my most effective weapons in my war against evil - especially addiction. Toward the top is this sentence, "’Lost and Bound’ looks and feels like ‘Free and Found’ - until it doesn't." It’s another way of saying that sometimes we act out because we have become convinced that it’s liberating and natural, but it’s just the opposite. 

It reminds me how powerful the lies in my head are. They tell me that acting out will free me from my suffering and that it's just part of who I am. These lies have power because they are partly true. Indulging does free me from my suffering and it is human.

The problem is that it’s only true to a point. Indulging only hides and postpones my suffering and it’s emotionally and spiritually unnatural. Afterward, I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm less ‘Free and Found’. I’m just more ‘Lost and Bound’.

I have another sentence on my blackboard that reads, “Relax into Jesus. He’ll make you better, but you’ll always be enough.” If I'm seeking lasting, soul-lifting, powerful ‘Free and Found’, I’ve learned that I have one place to look: My Jesus. He frees me from suffering. He makes me who I really am.

So, to apply these powerful weapons, I surrender to Jesus. I reconnect with Him, I thank Him, I worship Him, I study Him, and I share Him. This can be hard because I don't want to rely on someone else. I want to do it myself. I want to be independent. It hurts and feels awkward almost every time I surrender to Him. It does, though, get easier and more natural and the rewards leave me rejoicing and hugging and serving and sharing. 

Overcoming addiction requires a lot of weapons and tools, but for me, this is the elephant gun and ultimately, the nuclear option.

“Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food.
Isaiah 55:1-2

What now? 
Join me in looking for your true self and for your freedom in Jesus where they can be found. Invite Almighty Dad on a walk. See Him in the sunrise. Vent to Him in the car. Call out His name in your weakness and open your heart to His work in you.

By Ty, Writing Team

Finding What Was Lost

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I have been singing my entire life, ever since I can remember. I sang the National Anthem at sporting events. I joined elite choirs all through middle, high school, and college. It has always been a major part of my identity. My high school yearbooks have numerous signatures that all say, “Never stop singing!” And I remember thinking, “What a weird thing to say. Of course I’ll never stop.” 

Well, along came addiction, trauma recovery, major depressive disorder, anxiety, etc. One day I looked up and realized that I had stopped singing. I even stopped singing in the car. Somehow, this part of me was lost. Gradually, over the course of 6 years, I had gone silent. 

Addiction stole many things from me. So much time, energy, money, and mental space was wasted in my attempts to numb and hide from my pain. Starting in elementary school and all through college, music was the one thing that made me feel alive. It was where I felt God, where I felt community, and where I felt my life had purpose. 

But then in 2019, I dropped out of college for a while. My mental health couldn’t keep up (we’re talking about everything from undiagnosed ADHD to newly discovered repressed childhood trauma). That was the year I hit rock bottom. 

So many things weighed on me every moment of the day: I need a better job, how am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to keep up with the job I have? I need to finish my online class so I can finally graduate, I’m too depressed to get out of bed today, I have too much anxiety to go into work, I’m too tired from staying up late watching porn all night, I need to exercise more, I need to lose weight, I’m never getting married, I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I don’t matter, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve to be here. 

That girl, who was so lost in shame, has no space to think about joining a choir. That girl was buried and suffocating under an avalanche. And somehow, God found her. Little by little, and over the course of many years, He dug me out. He used friends, good therapists, mentors, and other people in my life to buoy me up. He began repairing my broken heart. I started to hear His voice in the music I listened to, and that voice reminded me of my worth. 

My years of recovery have been some of the hardest years of my life. Looking back, I see now that what I thought was an avalanche was more like a cocoon. Through the pain and heartaches of life, God has transformed me and now I’m gradually entering a phase of thriving. He is calling to my heart and reminding me of who I am, and the goodness I’m meant to bring to this world and to myself. 

Early 2022 is when I realized I had stopped singing. Ever since then, I knew I had to change something, so I started small. Every week, spending an hour and a half in the car, driving to my group therapy with James and Steven, I would sing. No podcasts, no instrumental, no rap. I had a playlist of songs in my vocal range that I would sing at the top of my lungs. 

This year, my New Year’s resolutions center around things that make my heart come alive. One of my goals is to join an audition-only choir. January 11th, 2023, I auditioned for a competitive community choir, singing scales and sight reading for the first time in years. It was terrifying and my skills were definitely rusty, but I felt my heart come alive and I felt so proud of myself for trying. I knew that, even if I didn’t get in, I was worth the effort of trying and I would try and try again.

In the dark and all alone, growing comfortable
Are you too scared to move and walk out of this tomb?
Buried underneath, the lies that you believed
Safe and sound, stuck in the ground
Too lost to be found
You're just asleep and it's time to leave
Come on and rise up, take a breath, you're alive now
Can't you hear the voice of Jesus calling us
Out from the grave like Lazarus
You're brand new, the power of death couldn't hold you
Can't you hear the voice of Jesus calling us
Out from the grave like Lazarus
Rise up
Out from the grave like Lazarus
-Rise Up (Lazarus) by Cain

PS. I made it! If you are interested in attending my choir concerts and you find yourself in the Provo, UT area, follow @wasatchchorale for more information. I’d love to see you there!

So where do we go from here? Maybe, choir is not the thing that makes your heart come alive. But what does? Spend some time this week discovering what makes your heart come alive. Here are some questions you can ask yourself while discussing this with the expert inside you.

  1. What makes your stomach have butterflies from the anticipation, excitement and fear of doing that one thing?

  2. What did you used to think about non stop before addiction took that away from you?

  3. What makes you happy before, during and after the experience?

  4. What brings you the connection with Heavenly Father lets you see His heart too?

Once you have figured out what makes your heart come alive (the adventure) we would love
for you to post it in the comments below, on the Unashamed Facebook page or whatever social media platform you use.

By Cassy, Social Media Team