Finding What Was Lost
/I have been singing my entire life, ever since I can remember. I sang the National Anthem at sporting events. I joined elite choirs all through middle, high school, and college. It has always been a major part of my identity. My high school yearbooks have numerous signatures that all say, “Never stop singing!” And I remember thinking, “What a weird thing to say. Of course I’ll never stop.”
Well, along came addiction, trauma recovery, major depressive disorder, anxiety, etc. One day I looked up and realized that I had stopped singing. I even stopped singing in the car. Somehow, this part of me was lost. Gradually, over the course of 6 years, I had gone silent.
Addiction stole many things from me. So much time, energy, money, and mental space was wasted in my attempts to numb and hide from my pain. Starting in elementary school and all through college, music was the one thing that made me feel alive. It was where I felt God, where I felt community, and where I felt my life had purpose.
But then in 2019, I dropped out of college for a while. My mental health couldn’t keep up (we’re talking about everything from undiagnosed ADHD to newly discovered repressed childhood trauma). That was the year I hit rock bottom.
So many things weighed on me every moment of the day: I need a better job, how am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to keep up with the job I have? I need to finish my online class so I can finally graduate, I’m too depressed to get out of bed today, I have too much anxiety to go into work, I’m too tired from staying up late watching porn all night, I need to exercise more, I need to lose weight, I’m never getting married, I’m a failure, I’m worthless, I don’t matter, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve to be here.
That girl, who was so lost in shame, has no space to think about joining a choir. That girl was buried and suffocating under an avalanche. And somehow, God found her. Little by little, and over the course of many years, He dug me out. He used friends, good therapists, mentors, and other people in my life to buoy me up. He began repairing my broken heart. I started to hear His voice in the music I listened to, and that voice reminded me of my worth.
My years of recovery have been some of the hardest years of my life. Looking back, I see now that what I thought was an avalanche was more like a cocoon. Through the pain and heartaches of life, God has transformed me and now I’m gradually entering a phase of thriving. He is calling to my heart and reminding me of who I am, and the goodness I’m meant to bring to this world and to myself.
Early 2022 is when I realized I had stopped singing. Ever since then, I knew I had to change something, so I started small. Every week, spending an hour and a half in the car, driving to my group therapy with James and Steven, I would sing. No podcasts, no instrumental, no rap. I had a playlist of songs in my vocal range that I would sing at the top of my lungs.
This year, my New Year’s resolutions center around things that make my heart come alive. One of my goals is to join an audition-only choir. January 11th, 2023, I auditioned for a competitive community choir, singing scales and sight reading for the first time in years. It was terrifying and my skills were definitely rusty, but I felt my heart come alive and I felt so proud of myself for trying. I knew that, even if I didn’t get in, I was worth the effort of trying and I would try and try again.
In the dark and all alone, growing comfortable
Are you too scared to move and walk out of this tomb?
Buried underneath, the lies that you believed
Safe and sound, stuck in the ground
Too lost to be found
You're just asleep and it's time to leave
Come on and rise up, take a breath, you're alive now
Can't you hear the voice of Jesus calling us
Out from the grave like Lazarus
You're brand new, the power of death couldn't hold you
Can't you hear the voice of Jesus calling us
Out from the grave like Lazarus
Rise up
Out from the grave like Lazarus
-Rise Up (Lazarus) by Cain
PS. I made it! If you are interested in attending my choir concerts and you find yourself in the Provo, UT area, follow @wasatchchorale for more information. I’d love to see you there!
So where do we go from here? Maybe, choir is not the thing that makes your heart come alive. But what does? Spend some time this week discovering what makes your heart come alive. Here are some questions you can ask yourself while discussing this with the expert inside you.
What makes your stomach have butterflies from the anticipation, excitement and fear of doing that one thing?
What did you used to think about non stop before addiction took that away from you?
What makes you happy before, during and after the experience?
What brings you the connection with Heavenly Father lets you see His heart too?
Once you have figured out what makes your heart come alive (the adventure) we would love
for you to post it in the comments below, on the Unashamed Facebook page or whatever social media platform you use.
By Cassy, Social Media Team