Present and Pleasant

/

A good friend and former sponsor called me awhile back to share that he had stunned his family. As they had been packing the car to go on a vacation, he had helped out and was calm and collected. He waited patiently for everyone to be ready and off they went. It was stunning because for most of their lives, his daughters and wife were used to him getting very agitated and impatient. They actually wondered if he was okay because he was the opposite of what they had been used to.

I took that to heart because I can easily default to the same negative behaviors. I had a situation with an older child moving a few months back and he gave similar feedback to my wife in effect: “what’s wrong with Dad? He usually gets very worked up, controlling, and impatient when we do these sorts of things.”

Being present takes a lot of work for me. I can get impatient and to cope, I have often zoned out on my phone or deep in thought. I actually have to remind myself often when someone is talking to me or otherwise needing my attention to pay attention. On my computer I’ve enabled a setting that hides all application windows except for the few I need active for a particular task because it is just too easy for me to get distracted and miss what someone was saying on a video call. I don’t always remember to activate it, but I catch myself checking news or stock prices or searching for something to buy and remember to enable it.

Christ exemplified being present perfectly. In Luke chapter 8, Jairus, the ruler of the synagogue, had pleaded with Christ to heal his daughter. Time was of the essence as she lay dying. On His way to her, Christ was moving through a pressing crowd when He perceived someone had touched Him. Many scholars speculate that Christ knew well who touched Him, but he needed to give the woman a chance to speak for herself.

Despite the crowd and the pleas of Peter to move on, He comforted and sent her away in peace. He gave the same advice to Jairus when news of his daughter's demise came at about the same moment.

Being present takes practice. For me, for a while, I had to put my phone in a different room when spending time with the family, or eating dinner.

Another sponsor asked me what my onramp program is when I am driving home from the airport after a work trip or bootcamp after I explained to him how disastrous a reentry had been. So now I take a deep breath before I enter the door. I try to look people in the eyes when they are talking to me and make mental bullet lists of what they are saying. Listening is truly a wonderful skill and one I have to practice a lot.

While we can’t be perfect, I challenge you to “be ye therefore present.” Your spouse, kids, coworkers, or others may want to check you into the hospital and make sure you are okay the first time you do it, but I promise it will begin to make a big difference in the quality of your connections.

What next?

  • Spend a minute in the morning or night thinking about the day ahead. When will you need to be present?

  • Put your phone somewhere it is hard to find, turn on “do not disturb” for an hour when at dinner. Most emergencies at work, I have found, seem to work themselves out without me checking in every five minutes.

  • Listen and repeat back to people what you are hearing them say. Empathize. And don’t do what I do in giving my wife advice … just hear her out!

By Pete, Writing Team

First Responders and Military Part 2

/

My name is Chad “Big Mo” Morales, I am a former correctional officer from San Quentin State Prison. I was great at my job. Feared among convicts and respected by all staff. Everyone on the outside thought I had it all. A gorgeous wife, 3 sons, house, dogs, and a great career.

Little did they know my interior was destroyed by addiction. I was coping in ways that would normally destroy a man. My addiction, depression, anxiety, and anger were so bad at one point that I had put a gun to my head the day my wife walked in and told me “you're a fighter, not a quitter”. I had forgotten how to fight for myself, my wife, my sons… my soul!

I needed to reconnect with God. I needed to build that relationship that I had lost for so long. My first bootcamp experience was so powerful and so inspiring it is one of my top 3 experiences in my life (#1 wife and #2 sons).

I am a father, worthy of sons. I am a husband, worthy of an amazing wife. I am a WARRIOR, for the lost souls (as Chris Bennett, Jeremy Elswood and James Willhite were for me). I am a son of God!!

There is a bond of brotherhood that only military, law enforcement, first responders and now Warrior Heart can only touch.

Chad Morales
(Relentless Warrior)

What next?

  • Sign up!

  • Convince a friend to sign up!

  • I’ll see you there!

The Right Equipment

/

In addiction recovery we often talk about ‘slipping’ which can be defined as acting out, but quickly being honest about it and getting back into recovery. It’s different from relapse which can be defined as a prolonged period of acting out while turning away from recovery.

Last week I slipped a lot! Not in my addiction, but physically on an icy trail. It made me think a lot about slipping in addiction, though. I was winter camping with friends, a venture that requires some special equipment. My biggest concern was staying warm and so I was sure to bring warm clothing and a warm sleeping bag. As a result, I was comfortable throughout the campout.

What I did not consider was the conditions on a trail that we hiked. The trail had been snowed on, well traveled, slightly melted and then frozen which resulted in it being very slick and I was wearing old tennis shoes: the wrong equipment! I made it, but only after slowing down the group, worrying them and falling more times than I care to admit.

Like slipping on an icy trail, slipping in addiction is not fun, but both can be minimized with the right ‘equipment’. I recently read a short book on recovery called ‘Untangling Addiction’ by Marcus De Carvalho, M.D. which offers some solid equipment recommendations for preventing slips in addiction. His recommendations are based on the science behind addiction which describes a sort of war between the brain’s Frontal Lobe and Pleasure Reward System (the Amygdala and the Hippocampus). See Romans 7:22-25 for Paul’s description of this war.

In short, the Pleasure Reward System is programmed for short-term rewards and the Frontal Lobe is programmed for long-term rewards. The Pleasure Reward System has the advantages of engrained neural pathways (habits) and the high availability of pornography.

In contrast, the Frontal Lobe has advantages that include goals, willpower, grit and hard work which eventually fail us on their own. De Carvalho insists that the Frontal Lobe needs at least two added advantages: Connection and Purpose.

Connection is the opposite of isolation, which is where addiction thrives. De Carvalho says, “I’ve never met an individual who maintained sobriety without having a relationship with someone else who was also trying to maintain sobriety.” These relationships leave little room for slips when they include healthy accountability where there’s transparency and vulnerability.

Just as importantly, these relationships are based in discipleship of Jesus Christ. And love for one another is the most important sign of that discipleship (John 13:34-35). Among other things, discipleship helps us with the natural doubts we have about our ability to recover (Mark 9:14-29).

De Carvalho suggests that Purpose is equally as important. Many of us are familiar with the concept of a Larger Story from John Eldredge’s book ‘Wild at Heart’. Life can feel like a movie we've walked out of forty minutes early because we haven’t followed that nagging voice that tells us we can be greater than the world would have us be. Playing out the rest of the story is critical.

The next chapter of our story is glorious - a chapter full of battle, adventure and beauty. Stepping in to our larger story takes us out of the smallness that results from our addictions and into long-term fulfillment.

De Carvalho writes that our first purpose is to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Our second purpose is to love others, which includes guiding others into discipleship. Both are epic adventures that surprise us with their potency.

What next?

  • Give the Frontal Lobe the advantage by bringing the right equipment to the war: Connection and Purpose.

  • In Connection, be actively involved in a recovery group and embrace transparency and vulnerability.

  • In Purpose, step into a more meaningful job, hobby or other activity that lifts others and bring more battle, adventure and beauty into your life.