You're not alone

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A guest writer contributed this weeks post:

I wrote this summary of my story in the hope that it helps someone to understand they are not alone. It has taken me 48 years to realize that God truly and unequivocally loves me. That He is always by my side and accepts me unconditionally. That He is the only one who knows who I am and understands my life, addictions, trauma, and heart.

Unfortunately, my early growth in my church made it well known that God loved me, but only if I walked the path the church chose for me. I believed that if I deviated from this path that I would not feel God's full love and could never return to His presence. That was hard doctrine for a young man who wanted to live in God's presence.

I watched so many people in my church who judged others, ostracized and shamed members to the point of many leaving our church. The feeling of never measuring up to my fellow members was a constant. From an early age, I struggled with pornography. I feared not being accepted if my church leaders, family or friends knew about my addictions so I created two identities. One who had the appearance of the righteous man and one who lived in secret as the addict.

My pornography addiction became so secretive that I learned how to pose as this righteous guy who never sinned or faltered. And I hid this guy with the pornography addiction along with the underlying shame and guilt. So secretive, so destructive. And that was my life for the next 48 years.

It was not until I attended my first Warrior Heart bootcamp that I realized I was not alone, that many men had this similar situation and that there was a place I could share with other men and not feel judged.

It took a couple of bootcamps to help me truly understand that God is not ashamed of me; he loves me unconditionally and will always be by my side. It helped me realize that I don't need other people’s validation, that I could live an authentic life even though I struggle daily with my addictions and that God will not love me more or less. And I truly understand His Grace.

I know the feelings of shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, rejection from family and friends, and judgement from others. I understand the need to pose and so many other things that men struggle with.

What’s next?

  • Be authentic.

  • Ask yourself if you’re going to accept people’s evaluation of you or if you’re going to evaluate yourself.

  • Connect with God’s love for you.

Guest Writer

Waiting for the Cavalry That Likely Isn’t Coming

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“I think there is too much of the moral authority in church and not enough love that helps people avoid the fire.” - Jordan Peterson

Have you ever caught yourself not taking action because you expect someone else to make the first move? Justified by a million reasons why it shouldn’t be you?

In my local church group I’ve hit up against hard opposition over the years from individuals stuck in protecting tradition or cultural norms. Uncomfortable with change but yet also uncomfortable or critical of the inefficiencies of how things are.

Each time it is disheartening and I’m tempted to give in and try to just stop caring, numb out, check out, fall back into a slumber of indifference. And at times I’ve given in to that temptation, but the feelings come back with a desire to fight and ring the bells of awakening.

I go to my wife or church group or food, or lust, or whatever for acceptance. They may give a momentary reprieve but they can only do so much.

I grow tired of waiting on a cavalry that seems to never come and instead accept cheap substitutes.

Years ago I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks:

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Gandhi

It angered me. I wanted someone else to be the change. It frightened me. I didn’t feel confident enough in myself to make change happen. It empowered me. I didn’t need to wait around for the cavalry, because I was the cavalry.

It’s a lonely thing to do at times. I can put out a LOT of effort and not receive any feedback, input, or accolades.

This isn’t to say there haven’t been others placed in my path who were inspirational and whom I now hold as dear friends. But in my own life, I realized that I needed to be the one to respond to the call for help, and feeling woefully inadequate that I was going to fall woefully short of what I need and want.

So if external actions (lust, food, procrastination, media, etc.) can’t provide what I need and other people can’t fill the hole in my soul, what is left?

God is the short answer, but I can hear my younger self shouting “where is God?” “Who is God?” “If … there is a God, then why did ____ happen to me?!?”

There is that scene in a later Harry Potter book and movie where Harry is being attacked by Death Eaters near a lake. At the moment he is about to give up and be devoured completely, he looks across the water and sees who he thinks is an angelic vision of his deceased father casting the Patronus Spell which ends up saving his life. Later he finds out how to travel in time and finds himself at the other end of the lake at the same moment, looking and waiting for his dad to appear and save the day.

But Harry’s dad never arrives. Eventually at the last second he realizes that it is this future self who must cast the spell and so he saves himself.

I certainly am not suggesting self worship as a means of salvation. What I have experienced, however, is that God will use me and use you - despite our hopeless inadequacies at times - to save each other with a common grasp on the love of our combined hope for healing in the blood of Jesus Christ.

Recently I listened to a discourse by John Eldridge speaking about the various stages of masculine development. When we are emotionally a child, there is a lot God will do for us.

But as we grow, God expects us to learn from Christ how to do things ourselves while also He is always present to provide love and guidance. As we get spiritual experience and God feels we are ready to level up, however, God begins to move from all-providing parent to a loving mentor and coach. He no longer chauffeurs my spirit but is willing to provide guidance as to how I can drive and is my turn-by-turn GPS navigation to my destination.

It is up to me to be the main character and player in my journey. God is my source of acceptance and the wind beneath my wings but He is most effective only when I start flapping my wings and taking action because His greatest gift to me is my free will and He takes joy in me exercising it in righteous ways to help others; in turn, blessing me with strength and confidence.

One thing I’m learning recently is that there is no cavalry to wait for, because God has always been here for me. At times I screened Him out. At times others caused so much pain in my life that God was obscured. But regardless, He is in my life and cares and loves me. All I have to do is accept Him.

And as I accept Him, I no longer need to wait for anyone else for me to start loving others. And learning and growing together we become the cavalry we’ve waited for such a long time.

What Next?

  • What can you do today to reach out and lift someone else the way you’d like to be reached out to and lifted up? Do it!

  • Where are you waiting for an answer? Ask God what is keeping you from it and be willing to hear hard things.

  • Who can you reach out to right now? Do it. I’m always amazed at how God speaks to me through other people.

  • Lift where you stand. Don’t wait for better circumstances, just reach out. And be prepared for a negative reaction.

By Pete, Writing Team

Defeating the Me Monster

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For me, addiction recovery is like sharing my life with another 'me' - a different 'self'. I've recently studied a little about an approach to therapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS) which has me picturing my life being shared with many 'selves' which have developed throughout my life.

In this writing, though, I keep it simple and refer to just one other self as the "Me Monster". I'm borrowing the term from a very funny bit by comedian Brian Regan about a 'Me Monster' that takes over conversations with stories that one-up everyone else's.

Over the past several months I've had some success at eating less and moving more. This morning, however, the Me Monster drug me over to the pantry and ate some toffee that I didn't expect to see there. He said no one was looking, that I deserved it, that it was just a little, that it wouldn't hurt and that I was bored and needed it to feel okay. He made a good case and I didn't stop him. I regretted it as soon as I'd eaten it so he ate some more. Now I'm white-knuckling it and staying out of the kitchen.

This rings a bell for me. Like many others, I've 'permanently quit' viewing pornography more times than I want to think about. But the Me Monster has a way of wrecking those plans. For decades I fought him unsuccessfully with goal setting, discipline, will power, scripture study, prayer and religious obedience. At times I've shaken a fist at the heavens in anger and fear of the Me Monster's power to persevere. Nothing has been more frustrating. When fighting the Me Monster inevitably resulted in fatigue, I would give up and he would throw a party. I have to say, the respite was nice - but I couldn't live like that - it's a train wreck - and so I always crawled back into the fight.

From my experience in the recovery community, it seems that there are two approaches to the fight that can work long-term. First, scientifically, the Me Monster is a series of neural pathways that can be re-forged into healthy pathways through therapy and practice. Second, fully surrendering to God in the belief that if He can make a blind man see, he can defeat a Me Monster (example of a practice: 30 Days to Resilient). This second approach is the one championed by churches and 12 Step programs (let go and let God), but isn’t dependent on them.

These approaches can be followed independently or in conjunction with each other. They both have much in common: both approaches embrace brutal, painful honesty, they both often involve confronting wounds and trauma, and both include engagement with groups of other people fighting a similar fight.

I've benefited from both approaches, but my best success has been found in the second. After a long, exhausting fight with my Me Monster and after he'd nearly wrecked my life, I managed to surrender enough space to God for Him to work a miracle. The song "The In Between" by Matt Maher reminds me of my experience. I rolled into a holy collision and rolled out a free man - no longer a slave to pornography.

What now?

  • Give up! If what you’re doing isn’t working, stop fighting with tools that don't work and chose an approach (or both) that work and commit to it

  • Embrace honesty and confront wounds and trauma

  • Engage with others fighting a similar fight

  • Surrender enough space to God for a possible miracle

By Ty, Writing Team