I have a particular friend in mind as I write this, a Brother in Arms, a Warrior, someone who has conquered much but whose demons continue to depress and attempt to defeat him. But I also see so much of me and of you in our darkest hours in these thoughts I share.
Ever woken up only to be destroyed by the reality that something that you did or that happened to you really happened and was not just a bad dream? Wishing you could pull the covers over your head, get another hour or so of sleep and wake up in a new reality?
I had a career of 18 years yanked out from under me from someone who meant to do me harm several years ago and had many of these mornings wondering how I was going to feed my family and keep us insured. The anger and the frustration and bitterness strove to destroy me.
I’ve also spent my life dealing with an addiction that I have spent too much energy and decades of time trying to conceal. I’ve kept a deep secret of having been abused and then acting out sexually in secret trying to grasp onto some sort of self-manufactured acceptance. But each scientifically simulated hit of dopamine would undoubtedly wear off and leave me in a heap of despair the morning after a binge wondering why I did something I know causes so much pain.
The son of a pastor in my teenage years, and then later in civic, work, and church leadership positions, I put on one face to the public that everything is okay while fighting the demons who came, often nightly, whispering in my ear that the world is better off without me.
Those nocturnal voices have told me often that it just isn’t worth it. I should just let go and give into the temptations of acting out, and eventually ending my life. The “world would be better off without me” drum beat continued on.
Hope was for other people. People who deserved it. I didn’t deserve it. I mean look at all I’ve done, the evidence is piled up around me!
I was past hope. The only lights in my deep and dark tunnel of life seemed to be just another freight train barrelling down to further defeat me and leave me battered, beaten, defeated, and bruised.
The irony of it all is that I would attend church events. I would serve. I would treat others as I wanted to be treated (mostly if it served a purpose of feeling better about myself if truth be told) - but I didn’t feel I was worthy of being treated with the same grace. I’d get quick rays of hope - go into positive thinking, and have some days or weeks stitched together of light and of success.
But the drum beat rhythm was always there, ever so quiet but consistent - “you’re not worthy of good things, you are not worthy of love. You should just check out.”
At a bootcamp presentation Chris Bennet had a volunteer come to the stage and share his deepest and darkest thoughts. Another volunteer was called up to repeat one of the fears over and over again. Another volunteer selected to join the chorus until there were 3-4 guys constantly repeating the doldrum of defeat - “you’re not worth it,” “You are not loved,” “It’s too hard,” “You should just give up.” It was the first time I was able to experience my inner turmoil Hell outside of my head.
At one point of heightened acting out, my marriage hanging on by a thread, at my darkest hour I chickened out. I couldn’t commit suicide. It was too messy, I saw what other suicides did to the family and friends left behind. I knew there would be very little pity for me. Only anger, betrayal, confusion, and resentment.
I prayed to be killed. Preferably while traveling overseas for business as that gave my wife and children the maximum life insurance payout. One night I had a dream that it had happened, I saw the devastation I left behind. Not even death could deliver me or those around me! I was completely without hope.
We each have had - and I pray, with hope, will have - a turn around moment. For me there are many, but what really hit home was when a video of Graham Cooke’s The Inheritance was shared. I didn’t dare to believe his words so I listened to them again, and again, and again. I’m listening to them now as I type.
“The Lord says that there is nothing that you can do that will make Him love you more … There is also nothing you can do that would make him love you less … because He Loves you, because He Loves you, because He loves you … He won’t love you any better when you become better. He loves you 100% right now.” - Graham Cooke, The Inheritance
In reflection, the path for me has been in this order:
Believe there is a God for me
Have hope that God can love me
Believe in God
Believe Him - seek Him - share Him - surrender everything to Him
In my journey, learning that I don’t have to earn God’s love - there is no transactional relationship with Him - made all the difference. I was taught this by two great men not of my faith who shared with me how to pray like I meant it. Like God and I are sitting at the edge of the ocean as the sun is setting, a cold beverage in hand, the waves washing our feet. I’m sharing my deepest fears and all He has for me is love. No shame. He is smiling. Christ’s hands with the imprint of the nails reminding me that my burden was already purchased. That the battle I’m in was already won and He is the Victor. Feeling His embrace around me. Knowing that “God is Love” isn’t a bumper sticker but cemented in my heart.
He IS Love. In my darkest moments, not just when I shine. When hope is lost IS the best time to connect with Him. To surrender everything that is keeping me from Him seems obvious but was impossible for so much of my life. The “code” I’d been taught is God condemns the wicked and I was wicked. It was a false belief designed and perpetuated by the enemy of our souls whose job is made simpler if we give up and give in.
Our nomenclature for the podcast is Unashamed Unafraid. I’ve found that this comes AFTER the deep fear and shame of a life that was empty. It is a journey. But each time I surrender to God and reach out to others, the shame is dispelled, and I gain strength and courage against the fear.
If you are feeling lost and without hope, please reach out. There is hope. I can’t give it to you. I and dozens of others who have shared their deepest and darkest secrets on our podcast can share our journey with you though and how the Hope in Christ has manifested itself in our lives. In the beginning you will feel you are not worthy of it. Your biggest struggle is going to be to let go of that lie.
