Hurt People Hurt People
/One of the most awful paradoxes of my addiction is that I worked hard to try and get people I didn’t know to like me and that I repelled those closest to me.
At the height of my acting out, I was hurting those who loved me the most on a regular basis. It was an out of body experience. Jailed in anxiety and depression, I sat by and watched the addict attempt to burn everything in its path to stubble.
On a self destructive rampage, I just about lost everything from my job to my family to my soul.
For me, the narrative was that I was unlovable. So I needed to give my wife and my kids, coworkers and neighbors a reason to let me go. In my delusional state of self loathing and destruction, I had decided it was in their best interest and protection to run for the hills and leave me behind.
It was literally Hell.
And I was - and still am - completely powerless over it. This paradox became my God and I worshiped it regularly and without the ability to control or refute it.
Various forms of recovery came. The try harder method only worked in spurts, followed by more intense acting out. But man did I give that one a go and I sometimes still do.
An initial turning point for me was when I prayed for God to let me see the consequences of my actions played out to their conclusion. One night I had more than a dream. It was a vision that shook me for days. I got to see me and my asinine actions through my wife’s eyes and my oldest daughter’s eyes. I didn’t wake from this one. It replayed over and over again throughout the day and night. I wanted to die but realized that would bring no relief to anyone involved.
I began to pray for anything to salve my soul. And for the first time in a very long time, I began to feel peace. And beyond my understanding, I also began to feel loved.
Fast forward to my first Warrior Heart boot camp several years later. I walked in not knowing what to expect. Was it going to be three days of singing hymns and being told what I was doing wrong? More tricks of the trade to stop acting out? I had been to enough 12 Step meetings that I figured at this point I should be able to teach the 12 Steps. Yet recovery eluded me and I measured success by the days, weeks and months of abstinence. At times I felt Divine love but didn’t feel worthy of it.
The first guy to get up essentially told my story but with more graphic details. Abuse. Feeling unworthy of love. Self destruction. Destroying others. It was a 2x4 to the head.
Over the next few days and in return journeys to the mountains with different brothers in different states it has been cemented in my soul - God loves me no matter what.
I came to understand that I was hurting people because I was hurt.
My wounds were deep but the wounds Christ took on willingly are infinitely deeper. I felt worthless but Jesus had purchased me at a great price.
I am worthy to be in recovery and to share recovery BECAUSE He loves me. His love IS THE ANSWER.
I couldn’t wait to be perfect to do good things. What I now had was a confirmation that God loves me no matter what and what the world needed to know is that He loves them too.
If hurt people hurt people, then loved people love people.
And to be recoverED, I need to manifest that love constantly and consistently. And that is the peace I walk in fairly consistently today.
And when hurt people hurt me, I feel Christ - my older Brother’s hand on my shoulder reminding me that when I was hurt I did a lot of hurt. And that judgment is His to keep but compassion and empathy have been given to me in abundance and now I can give the same to others. Even when they are trying to use or abuse me.
God loves you. All the time and all the way. Give into it and let it consume you. He will take you on many great adventures and restore you. He loves you because He loves you. I promise this and pray you can give it a little room to settle into your heart.
By Pete, Writing Team