Ep 25: Anonymous Q&A with Dr. Skinner - Recovery is Possible Through Connection

Jason and Steve sit down and talk with Dr. Skinner about anonymous questions that UnashamedUnafraid (UU) have received. He talks to them about how there is recovery and a saving grace from any type of addiction. The addict must give up something to get their life back. It also involves true connection to others. At UU, we believe anyone can recover through our Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite Atonement.

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Jason and Steve sit down and talk with Dr. Skinner about anonymous questions that UnashamedUnafraid (UU) have received. He talks to them about how there is recovery and a saving grace from any type of addiction. The addict must give up something to get their life back. It also involves true connection to others. At UU, we believe anyone can recover through our Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite Atonement.

Who is Dr. Skinner? He is the director of Ado Recovery. They have a number of clinics around the United States and Canada. He started his own clinic and realized after a speaking engagement at BYU that there was a major issue with sex and pornography addiction. After several years of assisting in the recovery of addicts and betrayed spouses, Dr. Skinner was asked to head up Ado Recovery. They have grown from just four offices to over 14 offices in seven years. So, he has a lot of knowledge that he emparts to us and our listeners. So without further ado, Dr. Skinner tackles the first question.

Question One comes from a spouse of an addict. She wants to know if there is any level of porn addiction that you do not come back from? Dr. Skinner believes that there is no level of porn that you cannot come back from. He caveats it with there might be skeletons in the addicts closet that have not been disclosed. 

What he means by this is there is most likely child abuse or other past experiences that occurred for that individual that has not been addressed. They are usually running from something. If the individual is willing to do the work, they will heal from the addiction; as well as, from the past trauma. This can be worked through hope in the atonement and with the help of therapists, friends, and family support.

Question Two is from a woman who’s friend disclosed that her husband has viewed child pornography. The husband’s therapist told him that is more likely porn escalation rather than pedophilia. Her friend feels she is beyond hope because of this and she wants to know if there is hope. Dr. Skinner says that most people are not looking at childhood porn. Nevertheless, her question is very important and needs to be addressed.

Dr. Skinner says there must be a differentiation between what type it was. Was it prepubescent, or teenage porn. Also, was it a stumbled across? And is it still happening? These are the follow up questions that should be asked. And just like question one, there is always hope in Christ. If the person is willing to put in the work, there can be true and lasting recovery.

Question Three asks if having Christ in the recovery is necessary? Dr. Skinner believes that addicts always need to have a true connection with others. After all, people are the vehicle (even though they are not perfect) that God or a higher power uses to connect with His children here on earth. At UU, we believe an addict can do it through our Savior Jesus Christ and his infinite Atonement.

If these questions have affected you or someone you know, please feel free to forward this podcast episode to them. We would appreciate you all to become Outsiders. It can be as low as $5 per month. If you have other questions please feel free to email any one of us at UU. 

Ep 24: John and Amy: Searching for the Real Heart of Christ

John and Amy sit down with Steve and CT to talk about their personal stories. John talks about how his home was very ritualistic and rigid in terms of religious views. Amy talks about her home being one of acceptance and being able to talk with her parents openly. They talk about how they met and how they have been able to work through recovery and how it brought them together through Christ. They are an amazing couple. 

John grew up in a very strict religiosity-filled home.  His parents were very rigid, or “religid” as we call it. When John had any questions that could have been considered controversial he was scolded and shamed. Because he was afraid his parents would shame him, he never told anyone about his addiction to pornography. Once, his mom walked in on him at the age of 14 looking at porn on the internet and she made him go to his local church leader. That was not necessarily a bad thing, but unfortunately, there was just more shame shoveled onto him and he never talked about it again. Then Amy came into the picture at the height of his addiction. 

Amy grew up in an LDS home as well, but it was much less rigid. Validation and acceptance were based on performance and behaviors in her family. She was able to talk to her parents about worries and frustrations and felt she had a pretty open and healthy relationship with her parents. She just put a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect. On the outside she was. 

When John and Amy met, they were going to the same church. They dated for a short time before they were married because they both knew their marriage was God approved. Their marriage was amazing at first, but the stress of marriage, school and having kids felt pretty daunting to John and a short time after they were married he started acting out. He masked it through mental illness.

After Amy found out that his mental illness (depression) was caused by his addiction to pornography she started researching how to help him and herself. They never separated but John struggled for a few years. He disclosed something he had done that was illegal to his therapist and his therapist had to force John to turn himself in to the police. Amy was not happy about this. She thought they were making progress so this was devastating to her. To learn more about this please listen to the podcast. 

Through all of the heartache, John and Amy have found love from their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They have been able to talk more openly with each other. They both agreed that the recovery path is worth every drop of sweat and all the tears. They have been able to find peace in their hearts and have started working together to spread the word of redemption through platforms like unashamedunafraid.com.

We at Unashamed appreciate John and Amy for allowing us to share their story. If this has affected you or, if you know others who might be struggling, please consider sharing this with them. We are here, Unashamed and Unafraid to share stories about addiction recovery and redemption through Jesus Christ.

Ep 23: Moore on Shame with Dr. Adam Moore

Dr. Moore started his practice in marriage and family therapy in St. George, Utah. He quickly realized there was a problem in families with sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Dr. Moore decided to specialize in assisting families in these types of issues. He now has several practices throughout Utah and Nevada. He also has a two year waiting list, so he is obviously very good at what he does.

“All addicts (and loved ones of addicts) must focus on: Progress…. Not Perfection.”  -Dr. Adam Moore

Besides talking about how successful Dr. Moore is, Steve and Jason sit down to talk to him about shame. Dr. Moore talks about shame prone families. He also talks about shame and denial work together. Dr. Moore then dives into the roadblocks that we have for true recovery, and this is only during the first twenty minutes. So pull up a chair and listen to this episode. 

Shame is everywhere and can come from everyone, especially from oneself. Most likely, if a person is alive, they have experienced shame. There are several forms of shame and Dr. Moore talks about them in podcast [episode 23]. The first example is growing up in shame prone families. If one’s experience is a home where it is unacceptable to make a mistake, then that is a shame prone family. “Even if that person does the very best that they can… Then their dad (mom, brother, or sister) says, ‘That was pretty good, but here are three things where you could do better.’” 

Another example of a shame prone family is it is unacceptable to make a mistake because that person then gets made fun of. It usually comes in the form of a very cruel joke, or the family makes a joke at that person’s expense. The family tries to highlight all of each others’ weaknesses so no one in the family feels like they are “good enough”. In a sick way, these families do this to feel connected and funny. 

Some questions that may arise from these types of family dynamics are: Does anyone actually even like me? Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? These questions are at the core of everyone. So what do addicts do? They hide and isolate themselves because they are ashamed of their actions. They are afraid of people viewing them in a negative light.

Dr. Moore talks about becoming a therapist and how it changed people’s behaviors around him. Even some of his friends stopped hanging out with him because they were afraid of him “analyzing” their every word and action. In that scenario all parties have the possibility of feeling shame. So, what advice does Dr. Moore give about combating shame?

Dr. Moore talks about how people need to reach out to others and realize they are not that different from each other. He describes how to have a perspective shift. As an addict one can say to themselves, “Even in my addiction, I am not that different from everybody else.” Dr. Moore talks about how there are only a select number of human stories with myriads of deviations. He is saying that humans are not as different from each other as they think.  Humans are basically wired the same way. Shame can decrease when people connect with each other and with each other’s stories. It is still very important to get everyone’s story out. This will allow the shame to be freed and that is when self compassion can start to affect a person.

Jason was going through the ARP (LDS version of the 12 step program) and he describes the following experience: “Before I shared my step 4 inventory with my sponsor he told me, ‘There is nothing in here that you are going to tell me that won’t surprise me.’ That was incredibly deshaming for me.” This is a major win in the category of self compassion.

Dr. Moore finishes the episode by leaving Steve and Jason with these words:

“You have to be careful not to over rely on this one principle of your addiction. There are people out there that don’t have shame and wish they could stop the addiction. Don’t overemphasize one aspect of the addiction.”

“First of all, the fastest way to shame yourself is to believe that you have wasted your chance for recovery by comparing yourself to others who are in recovery and who have more days of sobriety.” 

“Be patient with yourself. You don’t get to control your recovery and how long it will take to change your addiction. Extreme patience with yourself. Those who stay with the addict need to also come to grips with the fact that it may take their entire lifetime to recover.”

We here at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful for professionals like Dr. Moore for helping us spread the message of hope and healing in Christ. We hope that you will share this episode with those you love. Everyone will benefit from this episode. Please share it on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. If you haven’t subscribed yet, please subscribe and tell your friends.

Ep 22: Unashamed for the New Year

What a year! 2019 saw a lot of changes for UnashamedUnafraid. The UnashamedUnafraid (UU) Crew is so excited for 2020. This episode is a special tribute to the hard work and dedication of the UU Crew. For more information on the crew, please visit the bio page at UnashamedUnafraid.com. So what is going to be discussed in this special episode? 

The UU Crew sit down and talk about the podcast becoming what it is today. They discuss how it all started and how everyone came to be a part of the Crew. In early 2019, Chris “The Hulk of Hope” and Steve “Rapper Host” made it a goal to record and publish 10 men’s stories and we almost got there! The Crew also talks about which episode was their favorite and what the blog and podcast are going to be in 2020.

Because Chris and Autumn were the first story [episode 1] on UnashamedUnafraid, it seemed like a natural fit for Chris to be the one that Steve talked to about his plans. Especially because Chris was already fighting for the hearts of men through Warriorheart Boot Camps. Where did James “The Assistant to the Regional Manager”, Jason “Darth Vader of Audio” and CT “Lionheart of Editing” come from?

James came into the picture in early 2019. Steve approached him and said he needed help running and growing the podcast. As the “Assistant to the Regional Manager”, James is the one who keeps the entire UU Crew on track. He makes sure that everything is being legitimately run and that everything flows. He brings his strength of fighting for the hearts of men. He also brings passion and strength in fighting for the hearts of women. He is the AV guy for both Warriorheart Boot Camp [episode 15] and Heart of a Woman Retreat [episodes 12 & 19]. 

But the UU Crew wasn’t complete yet. In July they added two more guys, who are probably the most handsome of the UU Crew. CT was approached two years ago by Steve to be a part of the podcast and blog. He saw something in CT about his writing abilities. CT was extremely afraid to put it out there because he gets stage fright. But, after two years, Steve approached him again and said that CT either had to put up or shut up. It was time to act instead of talk. It has been amazing, to say the least for CT (me). CT is also a part of the Warriorheart Boot Camp and it has become an extension of brotherhood joining the UU Crew. Jason, on the other hand, was a bit of a different situation.

Jason approached Steve through email. He told him that he loved listening to the podcasts and they had helped him a ton. He felt inspired to reach out to Steve and offer his services to make the podcast recordings more tolerable to listen to (because our audio was terrible, let’s all just be honest). Jason is an audio engineer at heart. He may sell windows and doors by day, but he is the Lord Vader of Audio by night! The UU Crew would not sound nearly as good as they do without him. Chris, James, and Steve sat down with Jason and realized he was a vital missing piece to the puzzle. With the UU Crew assembled in July, it was time to start recording a ton of episodes. But how can the UU Crew reach more people in the year 2020?

This is where listeners can help. They are going to start monetizing UnashamedUnafraid. The UU Crew discusses the plans for 2020 and how to get involved so UnashamedUnafraid can become a non-profit organization. As a non-profit organization, there is going to be a need for membership fees, donations and more opportunities for the listeners to get involved.

The UU Crew believes in this message so much that they want to be able to use the proceeds from the memberships and donations to assist addicts and loved ones of addicts to be able to get the help that they need. The UU Crew wants to sponsor (through scholarships) more men and women to get individual, group, or couples therapy. The UU Crew also wants to send more people to Warriorheart Boot Camps and Heart of a Woman retreats and any other amazing resource. For some listeners, these things are just a pipe dream. They want to get help but can’t because of financial constraints. The UU Crew has been so blessed through therapy and retreats, that giving back is a way for them and you to help as many men and women as possible. 

The UU Crew cannot do this alone. They talk about what the listeners might be able to receive as a special thanks and appreciation for their assistance in this process of bringing more people into recovery. The UU Crew will be providing additional content and (for lack of a better term) gratitude swag for the donations and subscriptions from the listeners. Plus the subscribers will be receiving a virtual (if possible a real) famous hug from CT. 

The UU Crew loved 2019. It was “brutiful”, inspiring, full of love and restoration. They want to continue to share inspiration from our Savior. They have learned once again by sharing recovery stories that Christ is there for everyone, whether it be for recovery from an addiction or from trauma. Christ is the Healer, Redeemer, Savior, and Friend for all. Everyone can get involved by donating to this cause. The UU Crew and all those who benefit from this will be grateful for the donations. Donations will be used only to cover costs and create scholarships. The UU Crew will continue to work for free because we want any donation to go directly to helping someone in recovery and healing.  

From the Crew at UnashamedUnafraid, we wish you a very Happy New Year. May this year be the year for you to become and remain unashamed and unafraid through the hope and healing of Christ Jesus. If you have been blessed by this message and want to inspire others, please share this message on social media, subscribe to our podcast, and review us on iTunes. UnashamedUnafraid can be heard on any major podcast station. Thank you for your participation this year and for years to come. 

God Bless You,

UU Crew