Dropping Back Into the Valley

Today and tomorrow are a stark re-entry to “normal” life for about 120 men who have been in the cooler, high-altitude mountains of northern Arizona at a men’s bootcamp. Keeping the spiritual high can be extremely challenging while resuming work, reentering a home that may be under attack, or finding a frazzled wife who has been single-parenting for several days. As I reflect on this experience, I have a few thoughts and experiences to share.

Having attended several camps, one temptation is to come home and do a full download to your family. This can be challenging because it is hard to translate three days of actions into words without the experiential immersion. I have learned to jump in and help, give my wife a break, and wait until she is in a relaxed state before sharing the insights gained. Also, I’ve found it is best to start slowly with what I learned and what new insights were gained - focusing most on the renewed connection to my Jesus Savior and to my band of brothers.

For me, the greatest takeaway is how to pray with self-surrender to seek a deep connection to God and to get my worth and acceptance from God, and only God. Only after that can I approach others in an attitude of love and strength, to give rather than trying to take.

James, in one of his presentations, reminded me what it looks like to do this in a deep, two-way prayer. I first approach my God in reverence and thanks. I pour my heart out to what I am feeling. I ask Him specifically what I need and what it looks like. “God, I am feeling vulnerable and misunderstood. Please show up for me, help me see myself as You see me. I am tempted to seek validation from others, let me feel your love for me.”

When I feel safe in my identity, I can then approach others in strength.

A second take-away for me is the living experience I’ve had of seeing beauty rise from ashes. Beginning three years ago, we had a significant life threatening disease begin to manifest symptoms in our family. It was a time of terror, frustration, fear, exhaustion, and turmoil. Looking back, it is easier to see the hand of God in our lives and how He delivered us.

For me personally, I would wake up each morning with my stress level at a 9.5 out of 10 and it wouldn’t take much to get to the 10 and descend into a valley of anxiety and desperation. I had good friends who would piece me back together each morning and night, and I constantly relied upon prayer to get through each hour. While it was a time of terror, I also learned how to give it all to God as the weight was too much for any other option.

Fast forward a few years, and while the medical condition remains, new medicine and treatment have our family living a fairly normal day to day existence. This week - by no coincidence - I met a man who is deep in that all-too-familiar valley. As we prayed with him, and he collapsed into us and sobbed, I could feel and be present with his emotions that were a reminder of where I have been. Now, though, I’m out the other side, have hope, and was able to share that with him in a deep and empathetic way beyond a mere surface, “don’t worry, it will be okay.” And so I finally begin to understand the lyrics “you give beauty from ashes.”

So, men, have grace for the situation you are dropping into. Thanks for sharing your hearts and allowing me to share mine. But keep the experiences real and alive. Refer to the notes you took to relive the spiritual experiences and promises of change you want to make.

And keep reaching out, being vulnerable, and praying for each other. That is my commitment as well. God bless.

By Pete, Writing Team

Love that Changes

I heard this author-unknown statement recently on a podcast and it stuck in my mind, “Love that doesn’t try to change you, changes you.” It reminded me of this statement that passed my way several months ago, “Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it.” (Karen Faith TED talk).

When the second statement was rolling around in my mind, I easily applied it to God’s love. It was a refreshing reminder of a truth that had already been settling into my belief system: I don’t deserve God’s love and yet He loves me anyway. But I struggled when I tried to apply the first statement to God. “Love that doesn’t try to change you, changes you.” Can God love me without needing to change me? Isn’t my transformation one of the main points of a relationship with God? This is the question I want to wrestle with in this post.

I see two possible conclusions. First, perhaps it’s literally true that God loves me without trying to change me. Maybe this is the essence of the agency that He gives me. The idea that He will love me even if nothing about me ever changes does seem to add up. Grace, after all, really does mean free. Nothing I’ve done qualifies me for His love and the same can be said of the future; nothing I will ever do will qualify me for His love. So in the end, my transformation truly may not be the main point of a relationship with God. In the end, God will love me regardless. This truth astounds me every time I express it.

Second, it’s possible that this statement simply doesn’t apply to God. It certainly applies to mortals. Any relationship that is contingent upon change isn’t building on a foundation of love. The relationship between a professor and a student is based on the student being changed into someone with new knowledge and abilities. Love can be applied in that relationship, but it isn’t the foundation. In a relationship between a parent and their child, love should be the foundation and remain unchallenged by either the parent or the child’s failings. Change can (and should) be applied in that relationship, but it should not be the foundation. Likewise, God’s love may remain unchallenged by the state of my transformation but change must be applied because it is one of the main points of a relationship with Him.

These two conclusions feel mutually exclusive - if one is true, it seems the other must be false. Perhaps, though, they can both be true at the same time. If so, it paints an interesting picture of God for me. It’s as if His love were a bonfire; it will warm me without regard for my state - whether I come to it feeling cold or already warm for example. Even though it’s ambivalent to my state, its very nature affects me; changes me.

God isn’t ambivalent to my state, but like the bonfire, His very nature affects me; changes me. So the two conclusions may converge on a fundamental truth about God’s love: its ability to change without coercion. If so, His love IS change. It isn't bound by the need for transformation yet still manages to change. It may indeed be a love that doesn’t try to change me that, ironically, changes me.

Preparing for Boot Camp or Similar Gathering or Retreat

For the men, a bootcamp is coming up in Arizona next week as of this writing. In our GroupMe online forums the topic of “what do you do to prepare” has come up.

Last week I made the drive north to pick up my daughter from the airport which put me into close proximity to several bootcamp alumni, leading to a good dinner and conversation with my Band of Brothers.

As I drove with the windows down, sunroof open, and Christian music blaring, I began praying to connect with God. I attempted to really let the words sink in, see where I believed them, where I am pushing back.

Personally for me, shame still gets in there and tries to grow roots. I am good with grace and forgiveness for you, but I struggle to really believe it is 100% available 100% of the time for me. I could tell I was being resistant to the message, so I prayed as I listened and let the words sink in deeper.

I have found that about two bootcamps a year is best for me as 5-6 months is about when the effect of the previous one starts to wear off. The last camp I just showed up with little to no preparation. And I got what I put into it … not as much as I had hoped. I wrote about this in an earlier post, so I won’t go into detail, but it took a few weeks after returning home to get the full effect.

On my drive, I was reminded of the need to be constantly connected to God. Sure, a three-day adventure with intensive time for meditation, inspiration, adventure, and vows of silence with little distractions of work, family, or home life helps me drop in deep, but there is nothing to stop me from having these mini moments all year long.

Whether you are a presenter, attendee, hopeful attendee, spouse of an attendee, a never-going-to-attend skeptic, or whatever, what “rituals” do you go through to connect with God, self, nature, and others?

By Pete, Writing Team