The Right Equipment

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In addiction recovery we often talk about ‘slipping’ which can be defined as acting out, but quickly being honest about it and getting back into recovery. It’s different from relapse which can be defined as a prolonged period of acting out while turning away from recovery.

Last week I slipped a lot! Not in my addiction, but physically on an icy trail. It made me think a lot about slipping in addiction, though. I was winter camping with friends, a venture that requires some special equipment. My biggest concern was staying warm and so I was sure to bring warm clothing and a warm sleeping bag. As a result, I was comfortable throughout the campout.

What I did not consider was the conditions on a trail that we hiked. The trail had been snowed on, well traveled, slightly melted and then frozen which resulted in it being very slick and I was wearing old tennis shoes: the wrong equipment! I made it, but only after slowing down the group, worrying them and falling more times than I care to admit.

Like slipping on an icy trail, slipping in addiction is not fun, but both can be minimized with the right ‘equipment’. I recently read a short book on recovery called ‘Untangling Addiction’ by Marcus De Carvalho, M.D. which offers some solid equipment recommendations for preventing slips in addiction. His recommendations are based on the science behind addiction which describes a sort of war between the brain’s Frontal Lobe and Pleasure Reward System (the Amygdala and the Hippocampus). See Romans 7:22-25 for Paul’s description of this war.

In short, the Pleasure Reward System is programmed for short-term rewards and the Frontal Lobe is programmed for long-term rewards. The Pleasure Reward System has the advantages of engrained neural pathways (habits) and the high availability of pornography.

In contrast, the Frontal Lobe has advantages that include goals, willpower, grit and hard work which eventually fail us on their own. De Carvalho insists that the Frontal Lobe needs at least two added advantages: Connection and Purpose.

Connection is the opposite of isolation, which is where addiction thrives. De Carvalho says, “I’ve never met an individual who maintained sobriety without having a relationship with someone else who was also trying to maintain sobriety.” These relationships leave little room for slips when they include healthy accountability where there’s transparency and vulnerability.

Just as importantly, these relationships are based in discipleship of Jesus Christ. And love for one another is the most important sign of that discipleship (John 13:34-35). Among other things, discipleship helps us with the natural doubts we have about our ability to recover (Mark 9:14-29).

De Carvalho suggests that Purpose is equally as important. Many of us are familiar with the concept of a Larger Story from John Eldredge’s book ‘Wild at Heart’. Life can feel like a movie we've walked out of forty minutes early because we haven’t followed that nagging voice that tells us we can be greater than the world would have us be. Playing out the rest of the story is critical.

The next chapter of our story is glorious - a chapter full of battle, adventure and beauty. Stepping in to our larger story takes us out of the smallness that results from our addictions and into long-term fulfillment.

De Carvalho writes that our first purpose is to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Our second purpose is to love others, which includes guiding others into discipleship. Both are epic adventures that surprise us with their potency.

What next?

  • Give the Frontal Lobe the advantage by bringing the right equipment to the war: Connection and Purpose.

  • In Connection, be actively involved in a recovery group and embrace transparency and vulnerability.

  • In Purpose, step into a more meaningful job, hobby or other activity that lifts others and bring more battle, adventure and beauty into your life.

First Responders and Military

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From Pete: This week my brother-in-arms Jeff is sharing how attending a bootcamp has changed his life. For all of us on staff, bootcamps are where we have met each other and many of you and connected with God. There are several bootcamps coming up, look forward to seeing you there!

Warrior Heart boot camp in short was a life changing experience for me. Being able to unplug and commune with God and learn from these men was amazing. It was the first time I had been able to unplug for 3 days in a very long time. In this environment I was really able to focus and meditate on the content of the boot camp and how to apply it in my life.

The experiences that I had at Warrior Heart camp have helped me come alive and be more present in my life. My wife has noticed a big enough change that she keeps encouraging me to go back again and again. It was here where I learned of many emotional wounds that I had been carrying my whole life that had been impacting how I fathered my 2 sons. I was able to have a "start over" with my boys and our relationship is night to day different and so much better than before.

I love how this Warrior Heart camp helped me reconnect with God. Helping me understand better how God shows up for me in my pain and is always there for me. Warrior Heart boot camp has also provided an ongoing brotherhood of other men that battle for each other's hearts as true brothers. No matter where I've been or what I have done or what was done to me, I now see better how God loves me and I have a group of brothers that do the same.

No shame, no judgement, just love. The pain is real, the hurt is real and so are the miracles and healing that I have experienced because of Warrior Heart boot camp. This camp has helped me with many critical breakthroughs I needed to move forward in life. It has made me a better husband, father and person for those I need to be there for.

I served in the military and am very excited for this first responder / military Warrior Heart boot camp for the special environment this will bring.

Hope to see you there!
Jeff Facer
Military

The Forgotton Quorum

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I don’t know about the church you attend, but something struck me as odd a few years ago when I was dropping kids off in their Sunday School classes in our church building. Each child had a designated room, and then there was a larger designated room for the second half of Sunday School where they had music time. I then walked by the woman’s meeting room with its elaborate woodwork, softer chairs, can lighting, and a nice table with a podum and neatly ironed table cloth. When I was done getting everyone to their location, I started to hunt for where the men were that week.

They weren’t up on the stage, not in the first half of the gym. I finally found them in a circle of hard folding chairs in the other half of the gym. Most of the men were tuned out on their phones while the instructor read from the manual, apologizing that he forgot he was teaching that week and hadn’t prepared.

According to the latest statistics in 2021 from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the highest rate of suicide is middle-aged men. In fact, men are 3.9% more likely to take their lives than women. While women are about twice as likely to suffer from depression than men according to the Mayo Clinc, men are more likely to choose an untimely and ultimate conclusion to it.

It struck me as odd that at least in my Church building, the majority of the men not teaching in Sunday School were literal Nomads - no resting place, no designated meeting room. Like Mary’s espoused husband Joseph, seeking for room in an Inn somewhere. Anywhere. Or like Moses of old wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, many of them not understanding that Zion was in the heart and not so much a physical location.

I have been guilty of complaining about this a lot in the past. I kept waiting for someone to do something about it. A new program or direction from leaders. But nothing changed. Around this time I remembered a quote that I now love, but used to hate - “be the change you want to see in this world” by Mahatnau Gandi who was able to overthow Brittish rule of India without a single shot fired.

Dang it. I was going to have to be the one to institute the change. All the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy and judging others for not taking charge had to dissolve away. God was there and ready to help me, I just had to take action.

Early attempts to get men to reach out to each other were difficult to say the least. I often felt like giving up. I spent considerable time with a consistent approach to get them to trust in the process. Since then I’ve run into leadership resistance: “all the programs are in place, men just have to get more involved (which is true, but we must change the motivation.)

That’s when I was schooled by the Holy Spirit as I sat frustrated one Sunday in the pews feeling sorry for myself. He said, “Tell them how much I love them.” I was searching for something really deep, complicated, intricate. Those words washed over me again and again. Sinking deeper into me until I could not dismiss or deny the experience.

“Just tell them that I love them - trust in the process.”

Yes, I had felt forgotten. Many other men feel the same way. But God has not forgotten. As a loving Father He allows us our agency. And He also promises to make up the difference. Christ has said “My Grace is Sufficient.” Full stop. No further explanation. I just have to ask for His Grace and then be willing to step outside of my comfort zone. Love others as He would have me love them. Pray for my eyes to be open to see others as He sees them.

I started with a plan to go to lunch with someone at least once a month if not more often. Later I added in going on morning walks. Then I felt inspired to have a monthly Breakfast Burritos with Bros at my house. In time I challenged the men to not talk about work on a Saturday morning but invited them to talk about what makes their hearts come alive.

I’m very much in the early stages, but as I am looking back on 2023 in preparation for 2024 I can see the introverts being more extroverted. The cautious more courageous. It wasn’t me in the middle like a spoke of a wheel, though I did reach out and invite people to come together. They have each other, and I have them and they have me. But one of us can be removed from the equation and I have faith the brotherhood will continue - or at least a hope it will.

So after decades of complaining that I felt forgotten, now I feel included. Loved. Befriended. All those years I suffered in silence I didn’t realize that the power to change it lay within me. But I had to surrender the old me to Jesus to access that power. I challenge you to do the same.

What Next?

  • Who is someone you can go to lunch with? Ask them what makes their heart come alive. Resist the temptation to just complain about what isn’t great and step into what makes your heart sing.

  • If you are feeling excluded from an inner circle, look around. Someone else is too. Invite them over or out to lunch. One of my regrets from where I last lived is that I spent all my time feeling slighted when I could have instead felt included with others who were feeling the same way.

  • Begin to pray for others. Someone who shares something in Church, or you read about a trial for someone else on social media. This one is pretty amazing, over time it has changed my heart entirely.

  • Be thankful. Whenever I’m in a slump I get outside and into nature and start to praise God for His amazing creations and my amazing experiences. It doesn’t take long to change my heart and attitude.

By Pete, Writing Team