Ep 68: Troy's Story

The only relationship you need in order to find recovery is with God.  In this episode, Jason jumps to the other side of the mic with Steve to talk to Troy about his journey through his addiction and subsequent divorce.  

Growing up Troy held on to two beliefs.  The first, that he could never tell anyone about his addiction and second, that he would never be worthy.  He grew up feeling that he was his father’s least favorite son and translated some of that belief to his perception of how God saw him; feeling that he always had to prove he was worth something.  After serving a mission Troy quickly got married and he describes those early years of marriage as being very miserable because he felt unsafe to let his wife see any of his weaknesses.  Troy checked out of his marriage and fell hard back into his struggle with addiction which soon escalated.  He felt caught in the exhausting circle of trying to hide his addictive actions and still continue to seek addiction. 

Even with a second chance in his marriage, when he witnessed amazing changes in his wife, he struggled to overcome the shame of his previous actions and thought he didn’t deserve to be happy.  Troy shares how wonderful and supportive his wife was through his struggle. He admits he was white knuckling and while being stationed overseas he soon dove back into his addiction. His wife’s discovery brought an end to their marriage.  

Troy tenderly shares the pain of his shame, and how encompassing it became.  His divorce brought on depression and suicidal thoughts.  Hope wasn’t immediate, but a sliver of hope came from hearing Chris and Autumn's story.  Troy learned that God speaks to him through stories and he shares some of those stories with Steve and Jason.   

Through enduring the loss of his marriage he realized he needed to fight for his needs and for his relationship with his kids.  Troy found that in letting go of his need to validate his worthiness from others, his relationship with God deepened.  He now knows that God sees him as beloved, is crazy about him and about each one of us.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid

Ep 67: Codependency with "Magic" Marc Pimsler

Codependency: Don’t Worry About Me.

I often ask myself if I am okay. Most of the time I don’t wait for the answer because this world is so crazy busy that I don’t take time to stop and listen to my body, mind, or soul. If you’re like me, this episode is a great episode to stop, drop, and scroll. Stop what you are doing, drop into a chair, and scroll into the app of your choice that you use to listen to Unashamed Unafraid. You’re not going to want to miss this one. James and Steven sit down and talk with “Magic” Marc. 

Marc Pimsler, is a man who’s been gifted with a big heart and does a lot with his gift. He’s willing and able to sit in a room with you and mourn with you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you through the issues in your life. After all, we all have a ton of issues to work out. Sometimes, our issues need a good therapist like Marc. This is why we call him Magic Marc. In this episode, Marc dives into the term, codependency. What does it mean? Why do we talk about it? And how do we know we have it?

Codependency has been a word that has “plagued” the psychology world for some time. They first started talking about it in terms of co-addict. When that term seemed too harsh they came up with codependent. This means that you are making yourself (emotions, needs, wants, etc) small in order to allow someone you care about to get their needs, wants, and desires met. Magic Marc states, “Being codependent is for me to regulate my needs in order to take care of you.”

So, what does this even mean? If you’re a connected person who allows your emotions to exist and tries to understand them, then you’re not experiencing codependency. He calls being codependent as having the “duck effect.” You appear to be calm, connected, rooted, etc, while under the surface you’re dysregulated, disconnected, and discombobulated.

Some of the physical signs of being disconnected include hypertension, lymes disease, autoimmune disorders, etc. Marc says, “Most physical symptomatology has its root in the emotional space.” This is an incredible realization for me. There is so much information in this episode that I am going to have to listen to this several times.

If this episode resonates with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to this episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 66: Mike & Tami's Story

Mike and Tami’s Story

Do you ever feel like your marriage is a business partnership?  This is how Mike and Tami describe their marriage for many years, just business.  Tami was focused on being a mom.  She was content in the role of motherhood which was all she ever wanted.  Mike was struggling with shame in his addiction.  They were running the family business but not truly connecting with each other. 

This story is very special to co-host James as Mike is James' childhood friend. James has been along Mike’s side through his whole journey.  There were times they were just hanging out as bros, both quietly struggling. Later they opened up about their struggles and have supported each other.  

Mike spent many years struggling with the cycle of trying to stop his pornography addiction.  He describes seeking validation from Tami sexually.  He held onto a lot of bitterness and felt justified in his addiction.  

For Mike, stepping away from the shame of his addiction helped him find sobriety.  This however, did not fix the disconnection in his marriage.  Mike and Tami share the difficult moments in their marriage when they question if they loved each other and if their marriage would really make it.  

Now they are continually learning to connect and find true emotional intimacy in their relationship.  Mike learned that God never turned his back on him. He is waiting for all of us with open arms. 
If this episode resonates with you, or if you know someone who needs a reminder of God’s open arms, please share the link to this episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid

Ep 65: Jarrett's Story

Jarrett’s Story

Join us as James and Chris sit down with Jarrett as he openly shares about his early exposure to and  struggle with pornography.  Jarrett first realized the extent of God’s love for him, when he first opened up about his struggle while serving a mission for his church.  

In this episode Jarrett reminds us that unless we deal with our trauma we will pass it onto the next generation. Jarrett’s dad was willing to share with him about his own struggles and what he learned while attending the Warrior Heart bootcamp.  This inspired Jarrett to reflect on his own life and motivated him to change. 

While working with a therapist, Jarrett was introduced to a support group with other guys his age who also struggled with pornography. This was the first time Jarrett realized that he wasn’t the only one his age who struggled with pornography. This helped give Jarrett the courage to be honest about his struggle. 

Earlier this year, Jarrett attended the Warrior Heart bootcamp with his dad. While there, he gained a deeper understanding of God’s love for him and his relationship with God began to change.  As this relationship changed, Jarrett’s life changed. 

Jarrett has taken many opportunities to share his story with others. As he has been vulnerable, others have opened up to him, shared their similar struggles and he has discovered how quickly he is able to connect with them.  Brene Brown has said “vulnerability begets vulnerability, courage is contagious.”  Jarrett is living proof of this truth. 
If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 64: Rod's Story

Rod’s Story

At a young age Rod realized he loved looking at girls. His fascination started at his grandparent’s home with a swimsuit edition of a certain magazine.  Like many who struggle, he kept his addiction quiet thinking it would go away with marriage.  After he had been married for a few years, and realizing his struggle was ongoing, Rod had a desire to be honest with his wife.  

His path through disclosure and opening up to his children is not one he would recommend.  Rod faced severe distrust in his marriage and initially struggled to find true recovery despite efforts to confess to his bishop and work through therapy and life coaching with his wife. 

Rod opens up with Chris and James about his rock bottom moment of knowing his marriage was over and the decision to change for himself and not anyone else.  He shares how he was guided to the warrior heart boot camp, his recovery group and his morning revival.  Rod demonstrates recovery is possible after a failed marriage.

His girlfriend, Heather shares how she overcame one of her list of absolutes, that she would never date anyone who was an addict.  In getting to know Rod, she changed her perspective and more importantly shares how his recovery has impacted her own relationship with Jesus Christ.  

Here are some clips Rod shares that are part of his morning revival.  

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqp2cPlK8oI

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XBbV0jn_Cxo

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nZvf_-331t0 

If this episode resonates with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to this episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 63: Jim and Leisha's Story

Jim and Leisha - Healing is real

Not all addicts begin their struggles in their childhood or youth. Jim’s addiction struggle started a little later in life. Married with a young family, his life began to change as he descended into addiction.

Honesty is very difficult for addicts yet so crucial to the healing process. For Jim, being fully honest with himself and with those affected by his addiction came in waves. This struggle to be fully honest negatively affected his wife’s trust and intensified her betrayal trauma. Coming to terms and expelling the secrets was a process for Jim over a period of time. 

Jim speaks of the release and relief of no longer keeping secrets. Honesty truly starts the path to healing. Though sometimes a slow process, healing is real and attainable. Joy, peace, and release from pain can be found. 

Jim and Leisha share with the Unashamed Unafraid team a very personal journey of his struggle with addiction. They each give their perspective of how addiction affected their perception and personal relationship with God. They speak of hope, and healing.  All are worthy of this beautiful gift.

If this episode resonates with you, or if you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to this episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 62: William's Story

If you do recovery work long enough you realize that many families have their own systems of shame. Messages of shame were very present in Will’s home growing up. In particular, his dad carried a lot of shame in his own life which manifested itself in the way he raised Will, including through his own absenteeism, lack of connection, and lack of vulnerability as a father.

Pornography was present in Will’s home. Due to his father’s addiction to pornography, Will was first exposed at the young age of 3 years old. Around the age of 8 he began struggling with his own pornography use and unwanted sexual behavior. He first opened up about this struggle to a church leader at the age of 12 but continued to struggle.

Will shares a traumatic experience where he was sexually assulted by his friend’s older brother but felt so much shame he didn’t tell anyone what had happened. What we don’t repair we repeat, and Will soon found himself actively seeking out opportunities to take advantage of girls.

This pattern of behavior continued and so did his shame. Will felt that God’s love was based on his worthiness, and he never felt worthy. One day God showed Will that he did know and love him. That was the day Will’s youth leader was prompted to show up at his home just after Will had decided to take his own life. This saved his life.

Will has found, through his attendance at the Warrior Heart Bootcamp, his connection with God specifically through prayer. He knows now that God still loves him even when he slips in his addiction.

Will’s powerful story gives hope for those who are still struggling. God will be there for you anytime and everyday.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 61 Unashamed for the New Year 2022

The entire U/U Crew meet to talk about 2021. What was everyone’s song of healing for the year? How many outsiders are there and just how is that non-profit doing? They each share their hearts and get vulnerable and real. No surprises there.
The crew reveals their plans for 2022 as a group and individually.
Thank you for everything you all do and for listening to this podcast. Happy New Year from the U/U Crew. We love you!
- Steven, James, Chris, CT, Jason, Sway, Rachel, Cory and Cassy

Ep 60: Relationships: Communication, Conflict, and Connection with Daniel Burgess

Daniel is welcomed back to Unashamed Unafraid for a deep dive with Steve and Chris into something every relationship can improve on, communication.

Many of us have never had great examples of what healthy communication within relationships looks like. In this episode, therapist Daniel Burgess shares his four do’s and don’ts for healthy communication in our relationships.

Daniel gained his unique perspective while working with contentious relationships in divorce court and developed the process he shares, which includes:

1. Start by assuming the best from your partner.

2. Incorporate the four Do’s and Don’ts

• Don’t - Prove, defend, convince, or retaliate

• Do Be: Clear, concise, confident, and caring

3. Avoid the divorce equation, for example “if you loved me…”

Daniel shares his personal experience of applying these tools in his own life and explains how they worked for him. He discusses his perspective about the importance of having difficult conversations in front of our kids so they can see how it is possible to navigate through the messy.

He suggests that difficult conversations should be scheduled for a specific time, and duration. And also stresses that these tools shouldn’t be used as an excuse for bad behavior nor to be used against the other person.

Learning how to communicate is a process over time and involves perspective. We are all craving empathetic connection. This episode will help you in your relationships to better know your limits and learn to communicate difficult things in a loving way.

You can find Daniel through his website at www.danielaburgess.com or by listening to his podcast ”Improving Intimacy.”

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 59: How to Make Repair with Daniel Burgess

In our world today there is a lot of violence: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You see it almost everywhere. Too often our first reaction to harm or hurt is to put our dukes up and punch back or go running the other direction, fight or flight. Although both are generally good options for survival they aren’t always the best for recovery. One thing that many of us struggle with in recovery is being accountable and making repair. Saying a sincere “I’m sorry” is an important step. Beyond that is repair. This is where I make right the wrong, also known as step 9 if you’re working the 12 Steps.

Turns out, I am still actively working recovery and still struggle with many of the things we talk about here at Unashamed Unafraid. This episode is about repair that I needed to make with my now friend, Daniel Burgess. I made assumptions about Daniel and chose to take his episode down. His first response in an e-mail to me, not great. So Dukes up? Or should I ignore him and write him off as crazy or a jerk? Instead something amazing happened, repair. We both got curious and opened our hearts and here is what happened. I hope this episode inspires you to get curious where you may have been judgmental and make repair where needed because it was a beautiful experience for me and my new friend Daniel.

Steve
Rapper Host

Ep 58: Derek's Story: Climbing Out From Multiple Addictions

“Where the hell are you, God?”

This is a common question for those in pain and in the depths of struggle and darkness. Finding rock bottom can be a rough journey downward. The positive is that from rock bottom, one can only climb upward. The climb can be very difficult alone and is always easier with help from others.

The reason addictions develop is because people are trying to cope with painful wounds - wounds of neglect, wounds of betrayal, wounds of isolation. What starts out as innocently dabbling for relief can quickly spiral out of control and leave one saying “How did I get to this point in my life?” 

Our turning point is often a powerful, humbling, and vulnerable experience with God, who is there with open arms ready to help. Sometimes, it may take years to reach this turning point. It is only with His help that we can rise above, find sobriety, and become a renewed and different person being able to break the chains of the past.

Derek sits down with the Unashamed Unafraid team to share his very personal journey with addictions. He shares insight about his childhood, his early youth, and how certain experiences helped him initially brush the outskirts of addiction before more fully diving in. He speaks of his struggles with various addictions, and how he battled to find sobriety and recovery from each one. This listen is a very authentic and honest review of his life, his experiences, and how he found hope, and a relationship with God that has allowed for a brighter path in his life.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 57: Life Beyond Recovery with Doug Nielsen

Life Beyond Recovery

Doug Nielsen

Have you ever heard the phrase once an addict, always an addict? I’ve certainly heard it during my lifetime. It is a creative bumper sticker to describe who you are—but is that truly who you are as a person? Chris, James, and Steve go on a journey with Doug Nielsen to find out what to do when you are wanting to take that next step, the step beyond recovery.

I know some of us who are struggling (or have struggled) with an addiction are thinking, “I can’t even fathom what life looks like without addiction.” Well, what we need is a new identity after recovery. When we are recovered, we need to know who we are. Doug says,

“It is impossible, over time, to behave differently than the way you see yourself. That is the governor of my behavior.” 

A lot of people who are struggling with addiction trade their true identities for the fake one that only focuses on the addiction. This is the way the enemy of our hearts works. The adversary wants to stifle our purpose in this life. He will attack the person who Heavenly Father sees in us.

In fact, Doug talks about a client who said that he did not know who he was. Doug told him that the man he saw in the 15 minutes they had been together was a man, who is loved, who is courageous, and who fights for the underdog. The words that describe a person are the reason for their existence, their purpose, and the larger story. 

The most important phrase that Christ said was “I am…” He described himself in powerful ways. So, how can we find out who we are? We must take a risk. Life is full of risks. We believe things through fear or faith. They both have the same definition. We believe in something that cannot be seen but will ultimately happen.

We must take life by the helm. This so happens to be the title of Doug’s book. Doug believes there are three things that we can do to jumpstart our progress into being recovered.

1. We must slow down. We can do the 4-4-8 breathing exercise. It only takes a few seconds and will help us calm down.

2. We need to listen. When we listen after we have slowed down, God will speak to us. He has a lot he wants to tell us. We have just taken that away from him by living a life at 64,000 RPMs. Our brains and bodies were not meant to live life that fast.

3. We must act on it. The third one is the hardest to do, we often find ourselves falling back into the same routines because they are comfortable.

There are great ways for us to listen. We must ask our friends, family, and Heavenly Father what three words describe us; our true selves. Then we take those three words and read them in the morning, throughout the day, and during the end of day evaluation. We think about those words constantly. We ask ourselves, “What examples of these words have I done today?” We will connect ourselves to these three words. If we take a 90 day challenge and apply these three words in our lives, we will become the three words. 

Bottom line, we must know our purpose. Doug ends by saying that we actually choose our purpose instead of discovering it. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 56: Rob's Story

Rob’s Story

“Ultimate Poser”: That’s how Rob describes himself when he was at the height of his sexual addiction.  Take a listen as Steve and James start not at the beginning, but at the bottom of Rob’s story as he shares how working through fears and loss. Rob describes how ultimately his path led to him to discovering, not the guy not on either side of his poser life, but the third guy who God wanted him to be.  

Rob was married with three children, working as an employee of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He felt he had a testimony of the gospel and thought he was connecting with his wife yet at the same time continued to act out in his sexual addiction. He and his wife had begun the road to recovery but Rob was not changing. The moment he was caught by the police when soliciting a prostitute brought him to his therapist’s door in the middle of one of his sessions. After waiting hours to talk to his therapist, Rob was told in his therapy session, “you can either change your life or you will end it, it’s your choice.”

Rob chose change. Deciding to be honest brought the realization of all of his fears.  In the aftermath, while sitting in his parents basement, he recognized he was still alive despite all of his pain. He somehow found the strength to ask, “What do I really believe in?”, “Who do I think I am?”, “What does God think of me?” and began to search for the answers.  

Rob shares a tender experience how he witnessed the pain his choices and actions had inflicted on his wife.  Rob has found sobriety. Yet his story shows us life in recovery is not black and white. Healing brought divorce, then dating, and ultimately a beautiful second marriage.  

On the other side of Rob’s poser life he speaks truth. With years of sobriety he has found a new purpose working as a therapist for Lifestar. Rob feels God has given him the gift to speak to the hearts of men about love and being worthy of God’s love.  

Does Rob’s story of his former poser life resonate with you?   If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you!  Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid

Ep 55: Changing Our Default: Sam Teilemans

You may have heard the saying, “Once an addict always an addict.” But is it true? In the opinion of the UU crew, this statement is incongruent with Christ’s healing atonement. We believe that Christ can change people forever. Sometimes that change comes with the assistance of professional therapists and others, but ultimate healing is the work of Jesus Christ.

Sam Teilemans believes that the language we use is powerful. For example, he says that it may be more helpful to say, “I struggle with addiction or addictive behavior” rather than identify as an addict. Steve and Chris sit down with Sam Teilemans to discuss the power of language as well as how a person who is struggling with addictive cycles can be free of unwanted behaviors.

Sam’s therapeutic strategy involves working to remove shame from a person’s actions by asking questions about how they may have been feeling or “triggered” in a certain situation. This allows them to explore what lies beneath certain behaviors and possibly tap into subconscious emotions or thoughts.

Sam explains the importance of tapping into the subconscious because he believes, “The conscious mind is the goal-setter, and the subconscious mind is the goal-getter.” He believes that when we consciously focus on a goal, the subconscious mind can get on board with that and will help us achieve what we desire. But when we decide to stop focusing on the goal our subconscious mind goes back to the way things were before.

Since the subconscious mind drifts to what is natural, Sam works with his clients to figure out what their triggers are. Then he works to break default natural tendencies and reframe them so the subconscious has a new way of reacting toward what you are doing or experiencing. In this way, the subconscious carries out the goal of the conscious mind rather than working against it. This may be a new and different avenue of therapy for people to try who have struggled with addictive behaviors.

The subconscious work that Sam does with his clients also involves trusting in Jesus Christ. Trusting that Christ is there to save, not condemn, those in this struggle. Science and the mind whether it is conscious or subconscious can only get you so far. Christ can truly free us from the shame and the guilt that happens after we have fed the addiction beast. Please have a listen to this amazing episode.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 54: Ashlee's Story

At Unashamed Unafraid we share real stories with you that prove sexual addiction has no bounds of age, background, or gender, and that recovery is possible for anyone.  Yes, women struggle too and here is more proof as Ashlee, our 2nd female to share on the podcast, opens up about her struggle with sexual addiction.  We invite you to listen as Steve and Chris challenge Ashlee to abandon her notes and go off-script, sharing her story Unashamed-style, from the heart. 

Ashlee discusses how her addiction to pornography began after her parents gave her a smart phone when she was 12.  She describes the shame she felt as she struggled to live up to the “perfect child” image her parents had of her as she was growing up. 

In the middle of her teen years her family moved from their farm and homeschool lifestyle to a neighborhood where Ashlee found herself adjusting to a traditional high school.  As she sought for ways to numb out she plunged deeper in her addiction to pornography and masturbation.  She kept this a secret from everyone until one day her cousin opened up about a struggle she was having and this opened the door for Ashlee to finally share about her addiction.  She talked with her bishop and began making lifestyle changes that helped her stop viewing pornography.  

However, about 6 months later, a surgery brought on new challenges for Ashlee in which she developed an eating disorder. Her desire to numb from her eating addiction drove her back to her pornography addiction.  

Overwhelmed and feeling alone Ashlee searched for anyone she could relate to but couldn’t find any women who were open about having similar struggles. In her search she found Collin Kartchner’s podcast where Ashlee first shared her story publicly.  From there she was able to share her story through multiple venues but she felt like a hypocrite as she still secretly struggled with masturbation.  

As Ashlee has come to understand God’s love for her, and as she has found other women who share similar struggles, she has started to find healing. 

Ashlee invites you to reach out to her through direct message on Instagram @ashleeayre.

Resources: Daughters of Light, https://lifechangingservices.online/daughtersoflight 

Has Ashlee’s story hit home for you?  If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you!  Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid.

Episode 53: Humanity with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Honesty in Relationships with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Steve and James sit down with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife JFF and talk about what it means to be truly human; fully alive. Where does it all start? That dreaded word Honesty. Honesty is the foundation of being fully human and truly alive.

But why do we shy away from being fully human if that is what all of us want? Don’t we want to be seen for who we are? Do we want to be a part of the larger story? Do we want to become the person that is perfect?

Being perfect is not being human. JFF said, “I don’t blame us for wanting a world free of suffering. The path is not perfectionism. This will stunt our ability to become ‘Fully Human’. This (perfectionism) is in complete opposition to the definition of being human.”

Being human hurts. We see that from the example of the most human person ever to live, Jesus Christ. He was honest about everything in his life and yet people hated him for that. This is why most people decide to live in their own smaller story instead of God’s larger story. They don’t really want to be seen because it hurts too much. JFF says otherwise:

“There is nothing that makes a spouse safer than honesty. They may not trust you. But, the moment that you come clean and are completely honest, it is the most safe place in your marriage.”

When we let go of who we want people to think we are…perfect, we let go of the counterfeit self. We let go of the shame and guilt of not being able to live up to our (and other’s) expectations. We become fully human; seen, heard and loved. So, back to the question of should you be here? Does your life make a difference? Do you want to be fully seen and heard? The answer is a resounding

YES

JFF talks about so much more in this episode with Steve and James. You’ll love this episode. If you want more from JFF, please visit [Finlayson-Fife.com]. There are lots of resources for men and women. It is a self-paced course. She also has office hours and Facebook pages. This is a place with great support to other men and women as well. We also have scholarships for JFF’s courses:

The Art of Desire https://www.finlayson-fife.com/courses/course/the-art-of-desire and

The Art of Loving https://www.finlayson-fife.com/courses/course/the-art-of-loving

Go to unashamedunafraid.com/scholarships and apply for your scholarship TODAY!

If this episode resonates with you or you know someone who might benefit from it, please share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

We are also a non-profit 501(c)(3) organization and have scholarships for those who can’t otherwise afford therapy, group therapy, A Warrior Heart Boot Camp, or the Heart of a Woman retreat. Please go to the website unashamedunafraid.com for more information on these scholarships and many other resources.

Ep 52: Cassy's Story

Cassy: It’s a Man’s Problem… Or Is It?

Is pornography addiction a man’s problem? Religious groups place emphasis and belief on this. In a sense, there is some truth with this mindset. Porn media starting in the 50’s was primarily developed for men. The ensuing decades followed suit, developing for, and catering to men. Pornography became part of the man’s world. 

Over the past few decades, the man’s world mindset has been slowly eroding. With this erosion, the porn industry has realized an untapped market share - women. Women are being pressured to view, escape into, and find comfort and self confidence with sexual content. The carefully crafted message is getting women hooked. 

Is pornography addiction still then solely a man’s problem? Absolutely not. Women are becoming addicted and having the same if not more difficult struggles with pornography addiction.

The expectation that this addiction is a man’s problem, or something that a future husband might struggle with, sets an unspoken expectation that women don’t and shouldn’t struggle with sexual addiction. This can be quite shaming to a woman who silently and painfully struggles. 

Cassy sits down with the Unashamed Unafraid team to share the story of her addiction struggle and gives incredible insight from a different perspective. Her journey out of isolation has been transforming and she has come to truly find and connect with God.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

EP 51: Q&A with Ms. Courtney Leak

Q&A with Courtney Leak, LCSW

James and Steve sit down with therapist Courtney Leak to dive into questions submitted by our listeners. As always, the questions are real, raw, and unashamed about sexual addiction, as are the answers discussed by Courtney, Steve, and James. Courtney pulls from over ten years of experience in helping people. Not only is she an experienced therapist, she co-hosts the mental health and wellness podcast “The Magic Well.” Courtney’s purpose and approach is fueled by her core belief that “Everyone is naturally equipped with what they need to find and meet their purpose.” She believes it is often hidden under fear, hurt, and negative views of themselves. “However, if people are willing to own their story, minus the fear and shame, they can embrace their true selves. They will live abundantly in their purpose.” Courtney uses this approach to lead a deep discussion about varying questions regarding many addiction-related topics. As always, these questions have come from listeners of Unashamed Unafraid. 

Do pornography use and anger have any connection? 

They absolutely have a connection. Anger going unaddressed can lead to rage. This is unhealthy anger and should be talked about and worked through. Oftentimes, there will need to be a therapist involved in this.

How can I support (in a healthy way) a potential spouse or partner if they begin to open up about their sexual addiction in the dating phase of our relationship? What pitfalls can I avoid there?

This is a great question. It is not anyone but the addict’s job to help them find recovery. You can support him/her, but can’t control him/her. Courtney calls the two approaches Intimate and Parentified relationships. Be careful of falling in love with potential. People don’t owe us a version of them that we want them to be. We are not guaranteed to grow and expand in the same direction.

Is it okay for me to be happy with progress even if I am still not 100% sober? Should I expect my spouse to recognize that progress?

Obviously, we all want to be on our “A” game all the time. However, we are human. We need to avoid abusing each other and work on ourselves. We also need to practice extending grace to ourselves and others. This is necessary to do the hard work to heal the wound. The addict needs to give their spouse space for their anger and pain.

I’m afraid of sharing about my relapses with the people closest to me. I’m afraid of what they will think. Will they treat me differently? How can I best handle accountability? How can I cope with the fear of abandonment?

We all need to be vulnerable with those closest to us. How we do that is by getting clear about the facts. If things are still difficult to disclose with your loved ones/religious community, find a group of others who you can share with openly without fear and shame.

Who is safe to share personal trials and struggles with? How do I know who to open up to about the most intimate things about us, and how can I do so in a way that is helpful and avoids damaging them or me?

One of the best ways that Courtney has found to deal with this is to speak from our scars, not our wounds. Maybe there is something holding us back that we need to look at and listen to. We need to go to our Father in Heaven and ask Him who is safe to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. We need to be okay with those answers we receive from Him. Don’t mix up the proximity or relationship with a person’s capacity.

If my spouse is refusing to be open with me and step into recovery, but I still want to stay married, what do I do?

If he doesn’t want to recover, he won’t. Do your own work and decide what you want to do. Figure out why this is such an issue for you and why his decisions are wrecking your life. Take care of yourself because you can’t control him. Ask yourself this question, “What is your boundary based on the other person’s truth?”

We hope you enjoyed this podcast. These are all real questions that most of us have struggled with. Courtney’s loving, yet completely straightforward, no-nonsense approach cuts straight to the heart of each of these questions. Her answers definitely help us dive deep into finding our answers. This podcast isn’t just about the answers, it is about how they are discussed. Courtney sets a strong example that we can all follow. She shows us how to talk about things that may be difficult or shameful for us. She steps into it willingly, embraces the hard, and leads us forward into vulnerability and healing.

If you or someone you know is struggling with a sex addiction, Unashamed Unafraid is the podcast and website for you. Please visit our website at unashamedunafraid.com or look us up on social media @UnashamedUnafraid. 

Resources:

• Podcast: 

  • The Magic Well - Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-magic-well/id1530276246 

EP:50 Fatherlessness with Rob Chidester

Fatherlessness

Fake it ‘til you make it. This is a common phrase many of us cling to when we are unsure of what we are doing. Be it a new job, being newly married, or trying to fix something, there is the hope that if we seem to know what we are doing, eventually we  really will know what we are doing. 

Steve, Chris and James sit down with Rob Chidester and talk about Fatherlessness. All of us are Fatherless in many ways as we come from imperfect earthly fathers who cannot father us all the ways we need to be fathered all the time. Rob is a therapist, but we know him from A Warrior Heart Boot Camp.  Rob is one of the founders of Warrior Heart and started the Boot Camp in 2009. 

We have a need to be mentored, guided or ‘fathered’ as we develop in our masculinity. Having help and guidance from someone who has walked the walk, is invaluable. 

A young man entering into manhood needs fathering. The phrase “It takes a village” is quite applicable in that masculine bestowal can come from one’s father, an uncle, a grandfather, or other men who can help guide, lend wisdom and experience as part of the initiation and transition into manhood. 

Without this guidance from fellow men, there is a tendency to become insecure in one’s masculinity, and the struggle of faking it until making it will ensue. Quite often, fatherlessness can trickle over into the realms of addiction. The subconscious need to fill the void or ease the pain becomes priority often leading to years of turmoil, struggle, and heartache.

Is all lost?   No.

There is hope. Our Father, God, can and will heal our masculine hearts. He will provide fathering so desperately needed. This is a process, but ultimately worth the journey. In this episode, Rob Chidester gives an in-depth plunge into Fatherlessness, and how to allow God’s help to heal.

If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Ep 49: Max Lube

If you or someone you know is a single twenty-something-year-old who is battling a sexual addiction, Max’s story will hit home. His journey begins as a young boy when his childhood is cut short by the dissolution of his family and the ensuing aftermath. The wounds of his childhood are cut deeper by the loss of an intimate relationship and he plummets into a dark depression, with addiction as his only parachute. Eventually, he turns and faces the God that he had fled for so long and healing begins.

Max’s addiction began as a curiosity at ten years old after being exposed to pornography by his brother and cousin at a sleepover. Curiosity would quickly evolve into addiction as he suffered through trauma after trauma that would rob him of his childhood. In sixth grade, his parents separated. In seventh, his mother attempted suicide. In eighth, his parents divorced.

After enduring these painful experiences, Max set out to be the perfect child in an effort to prevent adding trouble to an already troubled family. Even in all of this, Max was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church, yet felt that God was distant. His father had taught him that he had to earn everything in life, so why wouldn’t he have to earn God’s love?

Max saw a glimmer of hope while dating his girlfriend from high school into college - he opened up to her and started addressing the wounds of loss and betrayal from his childhood. While the relationship offered a safe space, it became very codependent. Max was thrown into a downward spiral when the relationship ended and entered what would be the height of his addiction. He fell into a deep depression to the point of suicidal thinking and acted out multiple times a day to numb the pain.

Healing began in the form of talks with his mother, who guided him out of the dark place where she had once been. He began attending the Catholic church where he felt loved and accepted unconditionally. His vulnerability and courage led him to a few other men in his congregation who were seeking sobriety. Ultimately, Max courageously formed his own band of brothers who are fighting for recovery together. 

Max now sees God as a “passionate lover”, to use the words of John Eldredge. He finds himself praying constantly and invites God into every moment. He sees now that whenever he was surfing the internet for porn, he was really “surfing for God”, and that God was searching for him all along. For those single 18-22 year-olds doubting if they can follow Max’s path, he says “God will reward you for your courage. Find your own band of brothers and start recovery together.”

Resources:

• Books

  • Wild at Heart by John Elderidge (ever heard of it?)

  • Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle by John M. Cusick

• Groups: make your own “Band of Brothers!”

• Song: “Love Broke Thru” - Toby Mac