Toxic Perfectionism

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There is a cancer that I’ve seen growing in my life and the lives of others dear to me. It is the impossible expectation of perfectionism in myself and in others. 

It starts off innocently enough. After all there is scripture from Christ commanding us to be perfect in the modern English translations. Bible scholars contend the more proper intention of the scripture passage is “complete” or to be perfected in The Father - never meant for us to imply we would somehow attain perfection on our own. Christ used this term excluding Himself at first and later including Himself post crucifiction and resurrection. 

In my own life and sharing from others there has been this expectation of perfection we have latched on to growing up in a church culture. But given the impossibility, instead we drowned in the wake of shame and anxiety that we just didn’t measure up. 

Just as demeaning spiritually is the unfair comparison of ourselves against others appearing to be perfect. Ironically I have made it a point to get to know many I’ve held up on the baseless pedestal of perfection only to be later disappointed to learn that they - just like me - have their own demons to fight and imperfections. 

Expectation of perfection can lead to backbiting and evil speaking of others when what they project on the outside is found to be hypocrisy. 

Expectation of perfection can lead to giving up, after all it is too impossible an attainment. 

Expectation of perfection leads to anger and resentment when others fall short. Most people I’ve spoken to who left a Christ setting often have stories of the hypocrisy they saw while excluding where they themselves were hypocritical. 

So then, what to do? I’ve found in my own life that the cure for this was going through a lot of hard life lessons and learning empathy and grace for others. That was more easily obtained than learning to have grace for myself. 

To see others and myself as God sees me. To surrender my imperfections to God and to others. To peel back the curtain of perception and allow others to see me with all my flaws and to still love me as I learn to love  them. 

God loves me. And He loves you. As I am. As you are. I surrender the toxicity of perfectionism and judging myself against others to Him now. 

What next?

  • Starting with gratitude focuses on where God has already blessed you and what you have accomplished with Him. Spend some time writing out all the things you are thankful for.

  • Make your next prayer one of thanking God and let Him bathe you with all the things He sees in you that are good.

By Pete, Writing Team

Can My Weaknesses Really Be Gifts?

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Recently, I was listening to a New Testament podcast where the hosts shared the story of Christ healing the man who had been blind since birth. In this story Christ’s disciples ask him if this man was born blind due to his own sin or due to the sins of his parents. Christ responded by saying that neither the blind man had sinned nor his parents, but that the works of God should be made manifest in him (John 9, KJV). The podcast hosts then explained that our weaknesses are actually gifts from a loving God who knows how to work with us in mortality and how to make our weaknesses become strong. 

I don’t recall ever hearing anyone refer to weaknesses as gifts from God. To my ears this sounded like blasphemy.  Were they really saying that because God loves me he gave me weakness?  That doesn’t sound very loving to me. Especially when one of my weaknesses has been an addiction to lust. My entire life, I viewed my weakness for lust as something very bad, even shameful. I believed that God was disappointed in me because every time I tried to overcome this weakness on my own I would inevitably succumb to it’s pull. I felt like I was broken and that I needed to hide my weakness from others at all costs.

Ever since I heard this podcast, I’ve been pondering on this topic. I thought about what it would look like if I viewed my weaknesses as gifts from God. What would it mean? Through this contemplation I’ve started to realize that maybe I’ve misunderstood God and His love all along. 

I’ve always loved the scripture from 2nd Corinthians chapter 12 (KJV) where Paul asks the Lord 3 times to remove the thorn from his flesh (his weakness). Instead of giving Paul what he wants, the Lord responds in the first part of verse 9,  “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” And I love Paul’s response in the later half of the verse, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

My journey through struggling with an addiction to lust has brought me to the reality that on my own I am truly powerless over this weakness. But when I humble myself and turn to God for His help, He is able to give me the grace I desperately need. I feel connected to Him and I can feel His power in my life. 

When I feel connected with God my fears are gone and my weaknesses don’t feel overwhelming anymore. I’ve started to realize that if I didn’t have my weaknesses I don’t know that I would need God in my life as I would have no need to turn to Him. As I started viewing my weaknesses in this way I’ve come to the realization that God does love me and wants to connect with me. 

I have realized that God does not view weaknesses the same way that I did. He is not repulsed by nor afraid of them. I’m beginning to realize they are some of His greatest gifts in shaping and training me. If I allow them, the weaknesses He gave me turn me to Him so we can connect. In this way my weaknesses do feel like gifts from a merciful and loving God. I’m grateful that He loves me enough to give me such gifts. 

What now?

  • List out your weaknesses - by overcoming them, what additional strength, compassion, and blessings will you have? 

  • Pray to God for the desired blessings and to accelerate your learning and healing if it be His will.

By Seth, Writing Team

Lies about Brotherhood

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The most painful part of my story is a return to bondage after a delightful taste of freedom. Lies about brotherhood are largely to blame.

The darkness of a clouded desert night is gripping. The eyes of a lion’s wounded prey are full of desperate fear. A lost sailor feels a profound loneliness. That’s how the early decades of my life often felt as I struggled with pornography. I was held captive in a kind of hell by a series of lies.

The Lies

The great liar told me that I couldn’t reach out for help; that it wasn't safe outside of my hell. He told me God was ashamed of me and that I didn't have what it takes; that I'd fail and be a disappointment.

In earlier posts, others describe these lies. Nicole wrote, "The adversary wants us to isolate ourselves from others, to feel unique and unable to relate to others." 

Seth shared, "For too long I had listened to Satan’s voice in my head telling me the lie that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me and I’d be rejected."

The Truth

When I finally let God tell me the truth, it sounded like this, “I’ve got you! You’re enough, it’s safe outside your hell and the door is open.” Walking through the door required vulnerability and honesty, but God makes a way and what I found on the other side was light, truth, and Jesus in many forms including the open arms of brotherhood!

Soon after walking through that door, I arrived late to a 12-Step Recovery Meeting, looked around and recognized someone from my church congregation. The lies came back and I felt ashamed and wanted to run. But I stayed and when his turn came to share he looked at me and said something like, “...and I’m honored to be here tonight with a friend.” No judgment. Just love and acceptance.

Also in earlier posts, my fellow writers describe the truth. Pete wrote, "… I started to find guys who were willing to battle for my heart and I was willing to battle for theirs."

Chris shared, "Many [people] know my story and they still love me… Imagine that!" 

Nicole wrote, "I shared things I never thought I would share with a friend or at least if I did, our friendship would not have continued.  Yet, the complete opposite happened." 

Seth said it this way, "I got the courage to open up with another man at the camp and shared with him my struggles with addiction and self-worth. Instead of rejecting me and shaming me he accepted me."

The Liar Strikes Back

Not too long after I walked through the door, I was enjoying freedom like the escaped prey of a lion, like a rescued sailor, like the light of the sun after a long night. I was in Jesus’ arms and had a fantastic band of brothers. Then came the lies that cost me that freedom, “You can move along now. You’re done. You’re strong enough to go it alone.” Drunk on pride, I walked away. Alone again, I eventually started isolating and let even Jesus fade. Pornography and my hell slipped back into my life.

But God rescued me yet again. That same man from my church congregation reached out and invited me to Warrior Heart Boot Camp. Now I'm back with my fellow warriors - my new band of brothers! 

This time I recognize brotherhood as more than a temporary helping hand. It’s the part of my life that the lies were keeping me from. It’s the people Jesus manifests himself though. I won’t walk away again.

What’s next?

  • Read the "What's next" sections of the previous 5 posts and join us!

    "[We] need you as much as you need [us]." (Chris)

By Ty, Writing Team