My Band of Brothers (And Sisters)

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I have tried for over a decade to recover on my own. Only in the past two years have I started to daily incorporate working with others and it has made all the difference. 

At a training a few years back with leaders in a local church I was sharing this concept and the main leader asked me: “I have a guy who is desperate to find sobriety. But he doesn’t want to attend meetings and is too timid to reach out, what else can I offer him?” 

I don’t think he liked my answer, “Wait until the pain of the solution is less than the pain of the problem.” Old timers in AA have shared that they often had a $5 or $10 bill with them in their pocket for the guy at meetings who was still seeking rock bottom. Give them the money and send them back to the bar for another dose of what doesn’t work longer term. While certainly I don’t like to see people suffer in silence, I have yet to figure out how to help them move into the light before they are ready. So I surrender that and stand by for when they are ready, provide love and support as I can but resist the temptation to become codependent or try to do it for them. 

I have spent the past many years trying to understand why the concept of reaching out is so hard to practice for many and why it is so successful when it is implemented. The best I can figure is that acting out in addiction is self-medicating and selfish by nature with a large blanket of supposed secrecy. And reaching out and being truthful and vulnerable is the complete opposite of those selfish and secretive actions. 

When deep in my addiction I recall well my association with two scriptures, the first is in Revelations, 6:16 (NLT): “And they cried to the mountains and the rocks, ‘Fall on us and hide us from the face of the one who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb’.”

The second is Luke 12:3 (NLT): “Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear!”

I never wanted my deepest secrets to be known and I’d rather a mountain fall on me than to have my past known by all!!! I’d spent so much energy trying to bury and hide my mistakes there was no way I was willing to be open and honest because it hurt too much. 

Recovery is the polar opposite of both of these scriptures – especially when I work with others who share with me their story of the worst days of their lives without shame. Often I’ve seen that they are showing me their scars, that the pain and the rawness of something so intimate, personal, embarrassing, and full of shame is now talked about with ease and shared in praising God for His goodness, mercy, Love, and healing. 

When I worked with my first sponsor in 2015, I had six weeks off of work and was at home all day, every day, driving my wife nuts. I shared this with my sponsor at that time and how hurt I was that my wife didn’t want to spend all day every day with me. He laughed and asked how many guy friends I had. I said, “my dad, a few guys at work.” He said, “No, if you were in jail in Mexico, who would you call?” I had no one. 

He assigned me this homework: Find about a dozen guys, half working on recovery , the other half just guys you can hang out with. Be patient, take your time.

It was very scary. I had a lot of false starts. I had a lot of rejection. But eventually I started to find guys who were willing to battle for my heart and I was willing to battle for theirs. At first, I would only reach out in dire situations, usually AFTER acting out. Then I sometimes was better at reaching out in the moment of being tempted. Now I’ve found that proactively reaching out on good days and bad days puts my heart right, puts God at my center, and heals my abandonment, codependency, and other wounds before they have time to fester.

What Now? 

  • Spend time connecting with God. Ask Him who one person is that you can reach out to today. First name or picture or whatever remembrance that pops into your head, reach out to them via text and schedule a call or lunch. 

  • Don’t vomit your story all over them at the first meeting. Take time to build trust. Be open and honest about where your heart is. Don’t ask “how are you doing?” Ask “how is your heart today?” Dig deeper and be honest.

  • Be patient. Only recently did God remind me that a relationship I have now took years to develop. But man I’m glad I spent the time and energy to develop it! 

  • One way to fast track getting a band of brothers is to attend a weekend bootcamp. It is a big investment but the payout is far greater than the expense and time invested. AWarriorBootcamp.com has several and there are many other faith-based men’s and women’s retreats where you can quickly assemble your tribe.

By Pete, Writing Team


Brotherhood

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I was first introduced to the concept of brotherhood about four years ago when I was at the lowest point of my life. I had recently broken the trust and heart of my wife again as I disclosed to her my continued struggle with an addiction to lust that was still going strong 14 years into our marriage. Going into this disclosure I knew I needed to make significant changes in many areas of my life. I didn’t realize it at the time but one of the most significant changes I would make was learning to become vulnerable and connect with other men. 

Growing up I had a lot of feelings of inadequacy and I told myself if people were going to like me, then I couldn’t let them see my weaknesses. I also had some wounding experiences in which I chose to close off my emotions, to protect myself and to keep people at a distance so they could never hurt me. This also kept people from knowing the real me. 

I’ve always had very few close friends and have struggled with connecting with other men. For years my wife would ask me why I didn’t have any guy friends I could do things with. I would always respond by telling her she was my best friend and why wouldn't I want to spend all my time hanging out with her. The truth was I was incredibly lonely inside, depressed, anxious, and disconnected.

After my disclosure I started working on my recovery again. As I met with my therapist and attended 12-step meetings I started hearing about the importance of vulnerability. This concept scared me because I knew that being vulnerable would mean I could no longer hide my weaknesses and imperfections. For too long I had listened to Satan’s voice in my head telling me the lie that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t like me and I’d be rejected. 

Things started to change for me when I went to my first bootcamp (Warrior Heart (awarriorheart.com)). There I met men who were comfortable with who they were and were willing to open up and share their pain and losses without fear or apology. Their vulnerability was inspiring and I knew this was something I wanted in my life. I got the courage to open up with another man at the camp and shared with him my struggles with addiction and self-worth. Instead of rejecting me and shaming me he accepted me and shared with me about the very difficult challenges he has dealt with in his life. Although this was a scary experience, something about it felt real and authentic. 

I left bootcamp with the desire to continue to connect with other men more than ever. I still had a lot of fear though because I was back in the real world, far away from the safety that bootcamp provided me. I remembered my experience from camp and how it took me being vulnerable in order to connect with someone else so I decided I would try this with the men in my 12-step meetings. Normally when a meeting finished I would make a b-line for the exit. But now I was staying after the meetings and talking with the other men. Oftentimes we weren’t even talking about our addictions but rather about our desires to improve our relationships with our wives and children. I would exchange phone numbers with the men from my recovery meetings so we could stay connected outside the meeting as well. This led to invitations to go to lunch with someone I wanted to get to know better or reaching out to thank someone for something they said or did. 

For me one of the ultimate forms of vulnerability that has brought me brotherhood is reaching out and asking for help. Just last week I texted a contractor friend of mine asking for help patching some drywall at my home. My friend quickly responded to my text and said he’d be right over. During the 20 minutes I waited for him I started to feel ashamed that as a 44-year old man I didn’t know how to patch drywall. The truth is this is one of my father-wounds, as I was never taught how to do any sort of house repairs growing up. My friend arrived with necessary tools and drywall mud. He spent the next hour fathering me on how to make the necessary repairs to the drywall. He was very patient and couldn’t have cared less that I needed his help. Through being vulnerable and reaching out I received much needed confidence in myself and I was able to make the necessary drywall repairs. 

I’ve been able to return to bootcamp multiple times since my first experience and have been able to connect with several men there. Even though I live in Idaho I am also blessed to experience brotherhood with the men I’ve met there who live in different parts of the country like Maryland, Arizona, Texas, and Utah. We’ve been able to maintain our connection through text messaging, phone calls, or Marco Polo. These are connections that have no limits based on physical distance. I know I can reach out to any of these men when I’m struggling and they will talk with me and just listen if needed.

As I became more vulnerable and started connecting with other men, I noticed Christ started helping me to tear down the walls I had built up over the years to protect myself from being hurt. By removing these walls Christ allowed me to feel the love I had been shutting out for so long and didn’t even realize it.

What now?

  • If you find yourself struggling to connect with others perhaps start small. Are there 1 or 2 relationships in your life where you can practice being more vulnerable?

By Seth, Writing Team

Relax

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Recently, at a Sexual Addiction Lifeline (SAL) meeting, I received a token and a hug to celebrate my sobriety. When asked how I accomplished it, I shared this motto:

"Relax into Jesus. He'll make you better, but you'll always be enough."

Specifically, I shared how relaxing into Jesus has been one of the keys to my sobriety. But the other parts of that motto have been equally impactful.

The phrase "Relax into Jesus" speaks of concepts like faith and surrender. I don't always feel God’s presence, so at times, letting go and surrendering to him feels like a trust fall, but he never fails to catch me. 

The word "Relax" feels appropriate, as Jesus has promised that his yoke is easy and his burden light (Matthew 11:28-30). Recently, I was hurt by someone close to me. It was difficult, but I handed the pain and anger to Jesus in a mental and verbal effort. I had to do it repeatedly, but eventually walked away free of the pain and anger.

The phrase "He'll make you better" speaks to progress and improvement. God's transformative power is a central aspect of my recovery. This is the hard part though. C.S. Lewis compared it to a house being remodeled: It's not surprising when the drains are set right, and the leaks in the roof are stopped. But at times, the house gets knocked about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. God is building quite a different house from the one I envision. It's tough sometimes - really tough. But the more I relax into it, the better it goes.

Finally, the phrase "You'll always be enough" is a reminder of God's unconditional love. This has been a challenging but crucial realization for me, as I have struggled with the fear that God might be disappointed in me. 

You see, I've done some bad things. I've hurt people and taken advantage of others in some of their worst moments. I've raised my voice and fists to God with hot tears of anger and frustration on my cheeks. I've certainly imagined that He was upset with me. But I've never felt it. Never. His love for me is baffling in its depth and unwaveringly unconditional.

What now? 

  • Relax! Not into destructive behavior, but into your higher power. Embrace the truth that your higher power is bigger than the storm you’re in. 

  • Be changed. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s not me that changes. It’s my higher power that changes me. You can feel it as a pull, a good desire, a positive emotion, a little hope, a little strength. Accept it and have fun acting on it.

  • Know you’re enough. Your higher power is not disappointed in you. And he’s not way off somewhere. He stands as close as you'll allow, arms open with sympathy and love in his eyes, roaring like a lion against your enemy.

By Ty, Writing Team