Healthy Boundaries - Living in the Middle of Sanity
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Are you a people pleaser? I’m a recovering one, and it gets confusing when it is time to step out of a life of codependency and into a life with healthy boundaries.
If this concept is new to you, relax, buckle in and know that it is going to be a bit of a wild ride, but you will get there.
On a scale of 1-10 with 1= “I don’t stand up for myself because giving in causes conflict” and 10= “I don’t give a @#%# what anyone thinks of me,” we are aiming for a life of 4-6 in the middle somewhere. Compassion, but firmness.
The next time you feel yourself swinging to a 1 or a 10, pause and ask: “What would a 5 look like right now?”
But in the beginning as I look back, I would go between a 1 and a 10 within minutes and throughout the day. 10 was a new place for me sometimes, but I’d feel guilty and then sway hard back to a 1 again to “get my feed under me.”
What people around me learned was to ignore the 10 behavior and wait for me to come back to a 1. Once my rampage burned out of fuel, I would go back to being a doormat. It caused a lot of self-loathing, acting out in addiction, shame, and fear with the accompanying anxiety and eventually depression.
As I’ve sat with it longer and worked with professionals and friends who understand healthy boundaries better than I, my life has gotten progressively better. I choose the battles where I’m going to go to an 8 or 9. And other times I say “#$@# it!” and just let whatever is bothering me subside.
Finding an “out” is important. One out is saying “That’s not going to work for me today.” Possibly not forever, but definitely not today.
One of the hardest was to let people be upset with me and let it go. Those who were used to waiting me out are still waiting. I rarely get back in the 9-10 area and I can’t think of where I’ve gone to a 1-2 zone for a very long time.
Living in the middle doesn’t feel natural at first. It feels awkward. Slower. Sometimes even wrong. But that’s usually a sign you’re growing, not failing.
Where are you in the pendulum swing? What % of your life do you stay in the 4-6 “ish” range?