A Fresh View

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Growing up in a religious community, there was much talk about sin and repentance, and it didn’t sound like fun. Well, maybe the sinning part, but certainly not the repentance.

If I didn’t repent there was an Eternity in Hell…or something like that. It felt heavy and difficult, and the last thing I wanted to do was to tell someone else about my “secret” life with sexual abuse and pornography.

I was introduced to pornography at the age of eleven, about the same time I was being sexually abused by my Assistant Scoutmaster. As I became hooked on porn and masturbation, I knew I couldn’t tell my mom and certainly not my church leaders. After all, I held various leadership positions in my youth group and in Scouts I was a Senior Patrol Leader. I was good at checking the boxes. So, the idea of honesty, confession, and repentance wasn’t a consideration…

This belief and attitude stayed with me for the next fifty years, until I hit my rock bottom and spent ninety days in a rehab facility in St. George, Utah. It was there that I was able to finally understand that repentance is just change, and really is just a willingness to change.

Repentance is often defined as ”a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world” It comes to mean a turning of the heart and will to God. In rehab, I learned the freedom that comes with finally unloading all of my garbage on God, of being brutally honest with myself, Him, and other people. It was incredible!

And the more people I shared with, the lighter that load became. I learned that Christ’s invitation to “take my yoke upon you” really works! And I discovered this amazing thing we call Grace! As Adam Miller says, “Grace is not God’s backup plan.” It is THE plan, and has always been THE plan.

I also learned and experienced what Bob Goff says…”I used to think there were some prisons you couldn’t escape from, but I know there’s no place I can go where God can’t rescue me.” I know that too!

I love Isaiah, chapter 1, verses 16 and 17 from “The Message” Bible: “Go home and wash up. Clean up your act. Sweep your lives clean of your evildoings so I don’t have to look at them any longer. Say no to wrong. Learn to do good. Work for justice. Help the down and out. Stand up for the homeless. Go to bat for the defenseless.”

And then…verse 18 from the King James Version: “Come now, let us reason together, saith the Lord: Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”

This could not be more clear to me. I needed to get my stuff together, straighten out my life, get it back on course, repent, do the necessary work, change my heart and my intention, and then…God will forget everything I have done. All of it! I have experienced a restoration of many things I did not think possible within my Church and marriage. Bottom line…it’s been forgotten.

If I do the work, if I’m willing, and if I just don’t give up along the path, someday I’ll have a conversation with Jesus. And when I mention some of my worst stuff, He may say something like, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I don’t remember that.” And then He might say, “What did you learn along the way?” And that’s repentance. That’s a change of not just behavior but of heart. That’s real joy…

What next?

  • If you haven’t been, be honest with yourself, your spiritual leader, and then your spouse, parents, or someone who loves you. Don’t hold back…get the poison out. Seek forgiveness.

  • Let go of the shame. God is not ashamed of you or anything you have done. He just loves you and is always inviting you to change. Just be willing.

  • Do the hard work of recovery. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Find a Band of Brothers to share and grow with. And as Phillip Yancey says, “Choose to live in the Grace of the day.”

By Chris, Guest Writer