Ep 35: Attachment with Troy Love
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Attachments – We All Need ‘Em - Troy Love
“The wounds inflicted are not what trips a person up. It is what a person believes about themselves because of those wounds.”
Chris and Steve sit down with author and therapist Troy Love. Troy lives in Yuma Arizona. He is a licensed clinical social worker. Troy has written three books that have been on the Amazon Best Sellers list. Troy has a firm belief that attachment wounds shape a person’s reality about the world and those around them, which most of the time is wrong. In this episode Troy talks about how attachment wounds play a vital role in sexual addiction. He also uses some personal experiences to bring this closer to home. Finally, he wraps up talking about how there is healing and hope from addiction through Christ.
Troy describes that when a person is in a mother’s womb, they are literally connected after conception and continue to be attached for nine months. The connection between a mom and baby typically continues once a baby is born. Because everyone on earth is imperfect, connections start to break. They heal, but there is still pain around all of those connections because of the wounds a person receives. So why should someone care about this topic if they struggle with sexual addiction? Troy explains about six attachment wounds. They are:
Loss
Rejection
Neglect
Abandonment
Betrayal
Abuse
When a person has one or all of these wounds in their life, they tend to try to numb those feelings because they hurt so bad. Addiction is one way to numb those wounds. We seek out acceptance and belonging. For example, if a person has an abandonment wound, they will seek out porn to fill that void of being abandoned. Porn will never abandon a person. However, when a person partakes of porn, it hijacks the mind and emotions and people isolate themselves from others making them feel more abandoned and lonelier than before. Troy talks about his childhood and how he received some attachment wounds even though (at the time) he did not realize it.
Troy was adopted at 5 days old and would tell people that he was adopted. That led him to a question as to, “Why was I adopted?” Then in middle school, he was bullied. He perceived himself as being “not enough” and “there is something wrong with me.” These are the two wounds that he describes as his dominant wounds. Then his whole world changed because of a friend.
Someone introduced him to masturbation. He said, “Don’t do it, you won’t be able to stop.” Troy explains, “He was right. It was a medicine. I could not stop.” He felt like he could not talk to his bishop because he was afraid of rejection. A person makes life decisions based on those wounds. The message that an addict receives from porn is you are special, you are wanted, but it is all counterfeit. It was all due to the fear of abandonment and rejection. After viewing porn and masturbating, a person feels worse about themselves and they cannot tell anyone, because “they would abandon them and reject them.” This drives an addict down the path of isolation. It is all because of this abandonment and rejection wound.
All addicts have to come to the realization that healing from an addiction is not really about the addiction, it is about the 6 attachment wound areas described above. The saying, “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire” is true for addiction. The addiction is the smoke, and the true fire is these attachment wounds that an addict has received during their life. These wounds aren’t just inflicted and received as a child, as a person receives these attachment wounds throughout their life.
Troy continues to talk about the attachment spectrum. The following are from that spectrum: avoidant, anxious and secure. When a person is avoidant, they believe that they cannot be themselves around others. So they avoid showing up. When they are anxious, they tend to be very clingy and want to hold onto someone because they think they will be abandoned. Secure is the only attachment that really has a good foundational attachment.
Since, this is a show about addiction and recovery, the two attachments that are talked about are avoidant and anxious. Both of the attachments make the reality that they are unlovable, unchosen, and people will leave. This is just not true. Those who truly love a person will stick around. There is also one person who will never abandon a person; Jesus Christ. He will never abandon us. He will always love us, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! Even if a person decides to continue in their addictions, Christ will always be there standing at the door. Troy talks about how walking through these wounds with his patients with Christ has brought healing and hope to everyone.
Troy brings up making a list of what the judge (the negative thoughts inside our heads) is telling each one of us. He says this is a great way to break any of the agreements that we may have with ourselves because of “The Judge”. Troy then explains if we were to make a second list next to “The Judge’s” list, that says what God and Jesus Christ think and feel about us, we can start to see all the lies “The Judge” has convinced us are truths.
If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ. Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.