Ep 33: Chris and Autumn's Story

Steven and James sit down with our co-host and “Hulk of Hope” Chris and his wife Autumn Bennett. Chris talks about how he went from having multiple affairs to now over twelve years of sobriety.  Autumn shares how she went from trying to take her life to trusting Chris again.  They also talk about how they fight for each other's hearts. If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them.

Steve starts off explaining that hearing Chris and Autumn’s story is what drove the inspiration of starting Unashamed Unafraid. They were the very first recording for the blog.  Chris then started into his story.

Growing Up

Chris was first introduced to pornography when he was 9 or 10 years old. He and some friends found some magazines. This is when masturbation started for him as well. Then he did that the majority of his life. He never told Autumn or his leaders about it.

Once they got married, Chris was still looking at it when it became available.  Then he stopped for a while.  When he started his mortgage company on his own, that was when his drive to look at porn became almost a daily occurrence for him. Within about 3 months of looking at porn so much, he decided to start an affair...

Autumn then talks about her childhood where she had some physical and emotional abuse by her stepparents.  Autumn met Chris in high school when she was dating one of his friends.  They became best friends and eventually started dating long after high school.  Chris had only disclosed that he had a problem with masturbation in the past, but that was it and he had stopped.  

After having their third child they both noticed they were fighting a lot.  Chris was also doing a lot of gaslighting to make Autumn look bad, especially in front of therapists.  They continued to fight more and more.  Chris was “working” longer hours and she started noticing a lot of changes in him.  He was different.  She would ask about having an affair, but Chris would always say no and that he wasn’t her dad because he had an affair on her mom.  That was a huge fear for Autumn.

Affairs Start

Chris’ first affair lasted for over 20 months.  He also had multiple affairs during this time as well.  He said Autumn knew, but she didn’t know.  She would ask if he was having affairs with certain people, but he would always deny it.  She even asked for his cell phone bill.  Chris then spent eight hours changing the details on the bill so he could prove he wasn’t having an affair.

James asked the question, “What kind of signs were you looking for or stood out that made you think this was going on?”  Autumn replied that the arguing got really bad and there was no more connection with each other.  They were best friends and were close, but that all went away as Chris was disconnected.  She said he became an ass.  So she started asking questions and would notice different behaviors when she would come to his office.  

Getting Caught 

Chris then got caught for one of the affairs.  He really wanted to not tell her about it and asked his Bishop if he could just not tell anyone.  He said he has to tell her because the disciplinary court would be held the following Sunday.  So he disclosed ONLY the affair he was caught for.  He went into the disciplinary court praying that they would excommunicate him from the church. He thought by doing this he could get away with not disclosing the additional affairs and could be rebaptized and forgiven for all his sins.  Then he could never tell Autumn.  This was something that kept Chris in the grips of Satan’s hands.  He was only disfellowshipped.

Chris continued in the affair he was having with the wife of his best friend.  He had started drinking as well.  One day while dropping this woman back off at her office, she received a call from her husband.  He had found out about the affair and had also called and told Autumn.  Chris jumped in his truck and started heading home while talking to Autumn.  By the time he got home he received a call from his mom.  She had beaten Chris to the home.  She walked in and found Autumn passed out on the floor as Autumn tried to take her life.  She immediately called Chris and told him and he called 911.  He then ran in their home and picked Autumn up into his arms as she would go in and out of consciousness.  He started praying and making a deal with God stating he would stop everything he was doing; the women, the porn, the masturbation, everything if He let her live.  Autumn spent three days in the ICU then spent another week at the LDS hospital.  

Chris slowly started coming out with who he had affairs with.  Autumn was right about every person she thought he had an affair with.  Chris still decided to not disclose one of the affairs as he justified that she had a family and if he had said anything, he would need to fire her.  He would die before he would tell anyone about the affair.  Again, this is one more way Satan had a grip on Chris’ life.  

Autumn’s Side of the Story - Attempted Suicide

Steve takes us back to Autumn to hear her side of the story.  She said they were going to counseling and meeting with a Bishop on a regular basis.  She was asking questions about her friend because she noticed things between her and Chris.  Then one day she received a bunch of calls from her friend’s husband and he told her about the affair.  Autumn thought this woman could come in and be a better wife to Chris and a better mom to her kids.  She called her mom and Chris’ mom to ask them to take care of her kids.  She told them she was going to kill herself and hung up.  Then Autumn tried to take her life.  

Once Autumn was in LDS hospital, she had her two Bishops come and gave her some great advice.  They told her they would support any decision she would make.  During this time she had a lot of time to pray and received confirmation she needed to stay with Chris.  She decided to stay and it wasn’t because of the money, the house, the kids.  She stayed because of the intense love she had for him and she had seen glimpses of the man he was supposed to be, and God said she needed to stay. 

Sexual Addiction Recovery Program

Chris and Autumn were then introduced to a sexual addiction program called LifeSTAR.  They didn’t want to go at first, but decided they needed to go.  They thought they would be alone but walked in and there were 36 other people.  This is the first time Chris didn’t feel alone in his addiction.  Chris then talks about the significance about Todd Olson.

During Chris’ second disciplinary course when he was excommunicated, there was a man in there who was asking a lot of great questions.  As they were walking away, Chris was crying to Autumn as that man was walking in front him and said, “There is something about that man Autumn.  I’m not sure what it is, but there is just something special about him.”  Two weeks later Autumn walked into LifeSTAR and this man, Todd Olson, pulled Autumn aside and asked her if she remembered him.  She said no.  Todd then said he was in her husband’s disciplinary court two weeks ago.  She then realized Todd was the man Chris was talking about.  God had placed Todd into their lives for a reason.  God had a plan for them.

Chris’ Change of Heart

Chris and Autumn thought they would be healed and good to go within about three months.  However, even though they were going through their recovery program, Chris was still lying.  Within a year after everything coming out, Chris started multiple affairs again.  He finally got to the point of where he hated the person he had become.  This was because he had gone to see a movie about Joseph Smith.  When he saw Joseph giving blessings to the women and children who were sick in the camp, that was when God reached down and told Chris he needed to change his life.  His family needed him to become a member of the church again and that he needed to disclose everything to Autumn.  After about two months, he finally had the courage to tell Autumn everything from when he was a child all the way through the rest of his life.  Autumn threatened to have Chris take a lie detector test.  This was also a motivating factor in Chris coming out with the details.  He didn’t want to fail it.  

Autumn’s Change of Heart

Autumn had been engaging in codependent behavior, or as she calls it “crazy-making”.  She was trying to control his recovery.  It finally got to a point where she was in her kitchen just pouring her heart out to God and asking him to take away her pain.  Even if it is for only five minutes.  God then told her, “You give me Chris.  You give him to me. You let me take Chris and I will take care of you.  I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I promise you will be okay.”  That is when she realized this was Chris’ addiction.  She finally came to Chris and made him feel safe enough to tell her what he had been doing.  She did this by telling him, “If you need to tell me something, I’ll be okay.  I know there is something you’re not telling me, but I will be okay.  I know there’s more, and if there is and you’re not ready to tell me, then let me know there is and that you’re not ready to tell me yet”.  Chris then told her he had been drinking thinking that would get her off his back.  She said that wasn’t it and there is more.  Chris agreed and then told her he has more to tell her but wasn’t ready and he would tell her at their counseling appointment on Tuesday.  This was a Friday night.

Chris disclosed everything at their appointment and Autumn left for a week to make some decisions.  This was the third time for disclosure.  She did a lot of praying that week and knew she would be okay.  She came home and told Chris that she couldn’t stay married to someone who wasn’t in recovery.  Like real, legit, recovery.  

Keys for Recovery

Chris started checking in with Autumn every night in four areas: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.  He was having slips with masturbation or lusting over women almost every day and telling her about it, but he was finally learning how to be honest.  They also created a 24-hour rule where if Chris had a slip, he had 24 hours to tell her.  The longest he made it was six hours because he didn’t want to beat himself up or freak out for the next 24 hours.  So he might as well tell her.  He then started reaching out to God, to men in recovery, and saying his prayers.  As he prayed, he was asking God how he can love his wife again.  How he could see her in a different light.  How he could see those things he fell in love with about her.  This is really when his recovery stepped up.  

Full disclosure was a huge patriot in his recovery.  Autumn said that once he disclosed everything, she knew he was finally being honest.  She said she could literally see the weight on his shoulders come off.  She watched him change right in front of her eyes.  She said she would take the worst truth over the littlest lie.  Chris also started really listening to Autumn and repeating and validating her feelings.  Chris told her she has full access to his computers and phone at any time and stopped being defensive.  

Autumn talks about a situation where Chris went downtown with some of his friends for General Conference.  After, they went to the City Creek Mall across the street for dinner.  One of the men Chris was with told Autumn that there was an absolutely beautiful woman who walked by, but Chris just put his head down and then continued talking after she went by.  Chris was finally living how he should be and doing it even when he wasn’t with Autumn. 

A Warrior Heart Boot Camp

In 2009 Chris went to the first Warrior Heart Boot Camp in Utah.  He literally had only $1 in his pocket.  His buddy Jim paid for Chris to attend.  That weekend changed both his and Jim’s lives forever.  It was something that changed the trajectory of Chris’ life.  Chris found how to create intimacy with God.  Chris was also able to deal with the feelings from when his father took his life when Chris was 17.  God showed Chris all the tender mercies and love notes he sends him.  Chris then decided it was a message he needed to be a part of.  He started helping with the marketing, then became the Prayer Team Lead, then became part of the Speaking Team, and is now also part of the Executive Team.

Autumn talked about how we need to go to God for our validation. God loves us for who we are.  We are already paid for.  We don’t have to hustle for Him.  We don’t need to hustle for His love.  He loves us for who we are right now for who you are.  No matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, His love is not too far to reach you.  

Chris was rebaptized in 2010.  He now has over 12 years of sobriety from women and pornography and over 10 years of sobriety from masturbation.  Chris also started praying in the shower.  This has been huge for his recovery.  He always leaves the door open so Autumn can always see into the shower.  Then numerous times as temptations come, he knew that was his time to spend with God so he wouldn’t slip with masturbation.  

Final Words

Chris strongly suggests not doing multiple disclosures like he did.  Even if it is hard, it is best to get with a therapist and properly disclose with your spouse.  They also suggest not making a big decision in the relationship (like divorce) for at least a year. Chris and Autumn truly fight for each others’ hearts.  They truly love each other, and you can see that when you meet them.  

If you would like Chris and Autumn come speak to your congregation, you can reach Chris at chris@unashamedunafraid.com.  

If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. We here at Unashamed Unafraid are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Christ Jesus; for that is such an important part of true and everlasting recovery from any addiction and trauma that we have all experienced.  Please follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid. Donate to help others in recovery at Here (UnashamedUnafraid.com/donate). Or reach out to a member of our team Here (hyperlink to team page)