A Decade in Recovery - My Mess is His Message
/In the Beginning
Last week marked 10 years since I hit rock bottom and could dig no more. At the precipice of a separation and depression, I knew the only way out was up. I had been contemplating signing up for an online 90-day program for some time. I’d seen a few friends spend thousands of dollars in treatment centers, and I didn’t have that kind of money, but I knew divorce was looming, and I’d worn out the good graces of my family.
Amazon.com 10 year recovery coin
I was a loner. “I’m fine” was often my reply when asked how I was doing. But internally, I was a complete dumpster fire. The “fix” I used to get from mentally seeking and acting out on lust had worn out. I’d gotten way too close to having affairs with coworkers. The emotional hook was in, and thankfully, the next step was too big of one for me to take at that time.
I would run to God often, but felt I wasn’t worthy of Heaven’s door being opened to me. If I could just get my life together a bit, perhaps God would be willing to invite me in again …
So, in desperation, I pulled over my car and entered my details into the web form. A short time later, I was contacted, I believe by phone, but to be honest, I don’t recall. I was assigned my first sponsor, whom I’ll call Mr. B., and he was open and honest about his dumpster fire; he didn’t hold back anything. He’d recently been divorced and shared a lot with me what was behind “door #2” if I didn’t work on healing.
My First Sponsor and Guide to Recovery
Together we worked the steps, and for the first time ever, I prayed out loud with another brother. It was scary. It was embarrassing. My pride was deep and murky.
I patched together a year and a month of abstinence I mistakenly called sobriety. During that time, I moved through several sponsors. In the program I was in, if I relapsed or a sponsor relapsed, the whole thing was reset. Later, that wouldn’t work for me, but at that time, I needed the 2x4 to face the consequences.
But one thing Mr. B challenged me to do was to assemble a group of really good brothers. I discussed this on my UU episode 90. He said Christ had a group of 12, so that would be a pretty good number to start with. “A guy who will bail you out of a Mexican jail” (I live less than an hour away from the border).
It was scary. I felt very vulnerable. And I was terrible at being trusting and being trustworthy.
But I kept at it. Some of the first attempts I had chalked up as failures, I now look back and realize that we are still friends and stay in contact.
My First Boot Camp
The turning point for me was my first Warrior Heart Bootcamp, which took place in either October or November 2021. A guy I’d met in an online 12-step group, who is now one of my most trusted brothers, told me about a gathering in the mountains of Utah, where a group of men come together to connect with God. I felt left out, so I eventually asked if I could join as a third wheel since he was going with his sponsor.
I arrived expecting three days of lectures on areas where I needed improvement. I braced myself and was ready to shut down emotionally and bear through it. The first man I met was over 6 feet tall and a barrel of a man, he picked me up like a rag doll and hugged me so tight he about cracked a rib and said something like “welcome, brother.” I was weirded out but intrigued. I was not used to male intimacy, but he was heartfelt and genuine in a heterosexual way.
The first session started with loud Christian music for about four songs. Then, a prayer where the leader, much like Moses, spoke to God as a friend, as if He were standing right next to us (because the Holy Spirit was). All my religiosity bells were sounding; I wanted to lean in, but felt I might be deceived.
They introduced one of my now dear friends and brother, who shared his story (also featured in a UU episode), and it bore striking parallels to my own story, which I had buried deep and didn’t plan to ever let see the light of day. But he was up there crying and sharing it with 100+ men.
The three days of boot camp were great. I was getting to know God sort of again, and sort of for the first time. I kept hearing He is a loving God. Someone who loves me because I sin. Someone I don’t have to work to get His attention, I just have to open my heart to it.
I was introduced to several key tools. First is Graham Cooke’s The Inheritance (God loves you because He loves you). Then a new sponsor (I had an amazing sponsor, but we’d just had the discussion that he felt he’d shared with me everything he could, and it was time for me to continue to learn from a new perspective), Evan. And my AZ brothers Cory and John (all but Cory also have their UU episode).
I returned home determined to change everything. My family could see a marked difference. I prayed with them bootcamp style, treating God as if He were sitting at our dining room table. I had a lot of gusto and determination to change the world.
Then Life Happened as it Does - But I Attended Advanced Boot Camp
I had a yearning to feel that way all the time, but it wore off. Chris Bennet texted or called me in February 2022. He told me to pack a bag and get my butt on a plane to Utah, and that he had a scholarship to help with a lot of the cost of another boot camp. This was the first—and I think the only so far—Advanced camp. We all walked in ready to roll, having all survived the awkward rawness of a first camp.
Jesus christ at hell’s gate demanding the release of my soul
We went deeper. We worked in small groups. I got to know those in my bunkhouse at a much deeper level. I walked with God for three days, and we delved deep into my past, opening all the closets and cleaning out the skeletons. It was rough and the most emotionally, spiritually exhausting days of my life. I felt a small part of how Christ suffered for my sins, and I could picture him, sword in hand, pounding on the gates of Hell, demanding all of my soul back. It is a very personal experience and hard to describe in words other than “transformational.”
I felt 200lbs lighter, the old man was dead, and the new man with a new heart emerged.
Since then, I’ve attended another six camps, one in Idaho with my dad (amazing experience) and a few more in Utah and Arizona. I recorded my UU podcast episode, and I’ve been on the writing team. But something was always a bit unsettling - it’s great that I get to escape and do amazing things at camp, but how do I bring it back to my home?
Discovering God’s Power Within
I was sitting in Church after a camp, wondering when a Cory, a Chris, a James, a Steven, or a Seth (all current/former UU staff) would join our local church group and bring about change. I wasn’t prepared for the answer, “You’ve been to a few camps, you are ‘the guy’ you are waiting for. Don’t worry, I’ll help you.”
Fast forward through several years and a lot of anxiety, and I’ve been able to facilitate 12-step groups, organize a Hope and Healing Conference for my church, been added to a lot of different bands of brothers from mountain biking groups to fireside chats, and all kinds of adventures.
I’m a much better father and husband. I’m a much better friend.
My path has not been perfect in sobriety. It has been a continual process of progress, growth, development, and improvement.
Whenever life gets tough (we’ve had some major trials and tribulations along the way, as well as all the good news of recovery), I’m constantly reminded of my favorite short reply from my Jesus - “My Grace is Sufficient.” I can get through it with Him and come out stronger, or I can try and do it on my own and get dragged through the mud.
I choose grace and peace in His trusting and loving arms.