Layers of a Man- Part Two

Last week I shared how I had examined myself and discovered four distinct layers that defined me. They were my Façade, my Shame, my Wounds, and The Divine. I went through the first two of these, explaining how I spent years carefully crafting a façade of being intelligent and considerate, and I did so to cover my shameful behaviors of cheating at school and using women to satisfy my lust. I mentioned what a major milestone it was for me to finally break down the façade and reveal my shame, but the journey wasn’t over yet.

Wound)

What I still had to discover was that there was a reason for all that shameful behavior. Just as the façade was compensating for the shame, the shame was compensating for something else: my wounds.

I cheated as a reaction to being the stupidest child in my family. My siblings and I were all homeschooled, and academic intelligence was of utmost importance. Those who did poorly in their schoolwork were assigned to take over the chores of those who did well, doling out punishment and reward in one fell swoop. I yearned for the praise and respect of my parents, especially of my father. When I was incapable of getting it by honest academic achievement, I learned to get it by cheating instead.

I selfishly used women as a reaction to being repressed as a child. I remember being regularly struck by my mother as a punishment for not being able to play quietly enough. While she slept I was required to stay in the house and entertain myself in a way that was contained and non-intrusive, so as not to wake her. I would try my genuine best, but I was a boisterous boy, and without realizing it I would inevitably become too loud, and then I would turn to see her advancing on me with a raised fist. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t make myself “behave properly,” but then I discovered pornography and it gave me a way to express myself however I wanted, and so long as I kept it quiet, secret, and contained, everyone was happy with me.

Can you see the connection between these wounds and my shames and façades? I felt stupid, so I cheated, but then I covered it with false intelligence. I had to repress my natural behaviors to accommodate my mother, so I found a selfish and indulgent outlet, but then covered it with an exaggerated consideration for others.

Our shame is nothing more than a misguided attempt to cope with our wounds. It tries to alleviate our painful shortcomings, but tragically does so in a way that only reinforces them. Cheating gave me the appearance of high grades and pornography gave me the fantasy of a loving relationship, but I knew that they were both fake, which further confirmed to me that I wasn't intelligent or well-adjusted enough to handle the real things.

Divine)

The reason the wounds hurt me so much was because they cut at the truest part of me. They put me on such a long and misguided path because they made me forget who I really was. They made me forget my divine self.

The words of scripture tell us that each and every one of us is a special creation of God, a divine child of the most powerful being in the universe, and an heir to heaven through Christ. The words of scripture tell us that each one of us has been given unique virtues and gifts, things we didn’t do anything to earn, things that are just innate within us. These are the parts of us that overlap with God.

I've shared my facade, my shame, and my wounds, it only seems fair that now I get to share some of the most divine parts of my soul as well. This isn't boasting because these are the qualities I did absolutely nothing to obtain. They were given to me as a gift from God.

My wounds told me that I was stupid, but I actually do have a high intelligence. It may not be an intelligence suited for academic achievement, but it does make me curious and creative. I have always had a natural knack for creating new things, be it stories, programs, or essays. I can’t do everything that certain people can do, but I can do certain things that other people can’t.

My wounds also told me that I was selfish and unlovable, that my exuberance was a burden, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I have always been naturally cheerful and friendly, with a deep love of life. I am most typically happy, and I want to see everyone around me be happy as well. I have a deep passion for people and ideas, and I am blessed to be able to find the richness within them.

***

Building these layers of self took time, and taking them apart took time as well. I had to excavate them in the reverse order that they had laid themselves over my heart. I disclosed my shameful secrets some time before I was ready to disclose my deepest wounds, and I came to terms with my broken self before I was able to come to terms with myself when whole.

When I look at how far my life strayed from its origins, and how complicated a path it took to get there, I realize it could have only ever been brought back by a miracle. I didn’t fall into recovery, I was led to it. God was fighting for me the entire way. He kept coming after my heart until I finally surrendered, and then He showed me how to dig through all the false layers to reach my true core. And, honestly, we’re still widening that excavation outwards, but at least now I know what’s going on.

By Abe, Writing Team