Love that Changes

I heard this author-unknown statement recently on a podcast and it stuck in my mind, “Love that doesn’t try to change you, changes you.” It reminded me of this statement that passed my way several months ago, “Love is what happens when we stop trying to figure out who deserves it.” (Karen Faith TED talk).

When the second statement was rolling around in my mind, I easily applied it to God’s love. It was a refreshing reminder of a truth that had already been settling into my belief system: I don’t deserve God’s love and yet He loves me anyway. But I struggled when I tried to apply the first statement to God. “Love that doesn’t try to change you, changes you.” Can God love me without needing to change me? Isn’t my transformation one of the main points of a relationship with God? This is the question I want to wrestle with in this post.

I see two possible conclusions. First, perhaps it’s literally true that God loves me without trying to change me. Maybe this is the essence of the agency that He gives me. The idea that He will love me even if nothing about me ever changes does seem to add up. Grace, after all, really does mean free. Nothing I’ve done qualifies me for His love and the same can be said of the future; nothing I will ever do will qualify me for His love. So in the end, my transformation truly may not be the main point of a relationship with God. In the end, God will love me regardless. This truth astounds me every time I express it.

Second, it’s possible that this statement simply doesn’t apply to God. It certainly applies to mortals. Any relationship that is contingent upon change isn’t building on a foundation of love. The relationship between a professor and a student is based on the student being changed into someone with new knowledge and abilities. Love can be applied in that relationship, but it isn’t the foundation. In a relationship between a parent and their child, love should be the foundation and remain unchallenged by either the parent or the child’s failings. Change can (and should) be applied in that relationship, but it should not be the foundation. Likewise, God’s love may remain unchallenged by the state of my transformation but change must be applied because it is one of the main points of a relationship with Him.

These two conclusions feel mutually exclusive - if one is true, it seems the other must be false. Perhaps, though, they can both be true at the same time. If so, it paints an interesting picture of God for me. It’s as if His love were a bonfire; it will warm me without regard for my state - whether I come to it feeling cold or already warm for example. Even though it’s ambivalent to my state, its very nature affects me; changes me.

God isn’t ambivalent to my state, but like the bonfire, His very nature affects me; changes me. So the two conclusions may converge on a fundamental truth about God’s love: its ability to change without coercion. If so, His love IS change. It isn't bound by the need for transformation yet still manages to change. It may indeed be a love that doesn’t try to change me that, ironically, changes me.