Dr. Moore started his practice in marriage and family therapy in St. George, Utah. He quickly realized there was a problem in families with sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Dr. Moore decided to specialize in assisting families in these types of issues. He now has several practices throughout Utah and Nevada. He also has a two year waiting list, so he is obviously very good at what he does.
“All addicts (and loved ones of addicts) must focus on: Progress…. Not Perfection.” -Dr. Adam Moore
Besides talking about how successful Dr. Moore is, Steve and Jason sit down to talk to him about shame. Dr. Moore talks about shame prone families. He also talks about shame and denial work together. Dr. Moore then dives into the roadblocks that we have for true recovery, and this is only during the first twenty minutes. So pull up a chair and listen to this episode.
Shame is everywhere and can come from everyone, especially from oneself. Most likely, if a person is alive, they have experienced shame. There are several forms of shame and Dr. Moore talks about them in podcast [episode 23]. The first example is growing up in shame prone families. If one’s experience is a home where it is unacceptable to make a mistake, then that is a shame prone family. “Even if that person does the very best that they can… Then their dad (mom, brother, or sister) says, ‘That was pretty good, but here are three things where you could do better.’”
Another example of a shame prone family is it is unacceptable to make a mistake because that person then gets made fun of. It usually comes in the form of a very cruel joke, or the family makes a joke at that person’s expense. The family tries to highlight all of each others’ weaknesses so no one in the family feels like they are “good enough”. In a sick way, these families do this to feel connected and funny.
Some questions that may arise from these types of family dynamics are: Does anyone actually even like me? Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? These questions are at the core of everyone. So what do addicts do? They hide and isolate themselves because they are ashamed of their actions. They are afraid of people viewing them in a negative light.
Dr. Moore talks about becoming a therapist and how it changed people’s behaviors around him. Even some of his friends stopped hanging out with him because they were afraid of him “analyzing” their every word and action. In that scenario all parties have the possibility of feeling shame. So, what advice does Dr. Moore give about combating shame?
Dr. Moore talks about how people need to reach out to others and realize they are not that different from each other. He describes how to have a perspective shift. As an addict one can say to themselves, “Even in my addiction, I am not that different from everybody else.” Dr. Moore talks about how there are only a select number of human stories with myriads of deviations. He is saying that humans are not as different from each other as they think. Humans are basically wired the same way. Shame can decrease when people connect with each other and with each other’s stories. It is still very important to get everyone’s story out. This will allow the shame to be freed and that is when self compassion can start to affect a person.
Jason was going through the ARP (LDS version of the 12 step program) and he describes the following experience: “Before I shared my step 4 inventory with my sponsor he told me, ‘There is nothing in here that you are going to tell me that won’t surprise me.’ That was incredibly deshaming for me.” This is a major win in the category of self compassion.
Dr. Moore finishes the episode by leaving Steve and Jason with these words:
“You have to be careful not to over rely on this one principle of your addiction. There are people out there that don’t have shame and wish they could stop the addiction. Don’t overemphasize one aspect of the addiction.”
“First of all, the fastest way to shame yourself is to believe that you have wasted your chance for recovery by comparing yourself to others who are in recovery and who have more days of sobriety.”
“Be patient with yourself. You don’t get to control your recovery and how long it will take to change your addiction. Extreme patience with yourself. Those who stay with the addict need to also come to grips with the fact that it may take their entire lifetime to recover.”
We here at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful for professionals like Dr. Moore for helping us spread the message of hope and healing in Christ. We hope that you will share this episode with those you love. Everyone will benefit from this episode. Please share it on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. If you haven’t subscribed yet, please subscribe and tell your friends.