Ep 28: Steve and Kayla: Love Through It All

Our Rapper host’s story is similar to a lot of men who struggle with sexual addiction in that the start of his addiction happened long before he was a full-grown adult. At age 11 extensive sexual abuse was discovered within his family and extended family. For Steven, it was like he grew up in a moment and was left very alone. People in his life who should have been there for him just couldn't be because they couldn't even be there for themselves.  He remembers at about age twelve sitting in a therapist's office and having her confirm basically that he was alone (emotionally). He decided that since no one was ever going to be there for him, he wasn't ever going to need anyone. Steven got some help from the adversary on that one (read Wild at Heart). He was 12 when he first remembers seeing pornography and masturbating. His first encounter was just stumbling across it innocently on the Internet. 

As he continued to grow up, pornography and masturbation became more consistent, along with other sexual acting out behaviors.  He then started to develop a dual life...big time. He was raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and despite his family's struggles they were still relatively active in the church and Steven knew that his siblings and parents believed in Christ for real. As a kid, he did gain a testimony of Christ and wanted to serve an LDS two-year mission. He went to his bishop (congregation leader/pastor) and confessed about 3/4 of his sexual behavior, leaving out that he had sex multiple times in high school.

After serving a mission in Baltimore, Maryland Steven was on fire with God's love and was committed to not falling back into his addiction. However, his sobriety lasted about three months. He had started viewing pornography consistently and finally went to his bishop to talk.  He didn't like his addiction, but he wasn't ready to change, so everything formed into a justification for his denial. The thing he learned about denial is that it is not only about lying to everyone else, but it’s also about lying to yourself. He told himself, "I don't need to tell anyone or bring this up anymore. God knows I am working on it (which he wasn't) so I can keep this to myself (advice of the adversary) and keep 'working on it' (aka quit every night before he goes to bed)".  He continued to have success on the exterior parts of his life and used that success to re-enforce his denial and justification. That was the basis for his denial of his dual life and his addiction took off.

Kayla grew up following Christ. She tried really hard to do what was right and she had a mom and dad who were very involved in her life. She worked really hard and was diligent about living a life without sin or making big mistakes. Kayla and Steven met when he was freestyle rapping at the gateway in 2010 and were married in September of 2011. Although a couple of things came to Kayla’s attention while dating, Steven gaslighted and minimized so that when they got married Kayla had no idea about the addiction.   

What was once a gap between the two versions of Steven in his dual life was quickly becoming a huge chasm.  On the surface, he was working in the temple (a very sacred place of worship), getting married, serving in a bishopric (congregational leadership), going to college, and getting into his career. On the inside, he was not ever getting real with God about his issues, was in total denial, was seeing his addiction escalating completely unchecked, and was totally destroying himself (lots of shame). This led him to the height of his addiction. At that time he was masturbating and viewing pornography daily and starting to see prostitutes, which continued for several years. He facilitated it all by stealing money from a business he managed for family. This pattern started not long after his mission and continued until April 2014. All the time Kayla had no idea about his dual life.

In April 2014 Kayla went out of town for about a week, so Steven was left home alone. He used this time to binge in his addiction. In this binge weekend, he had no plans and had nowhere to be. It was really the first time he had to just sit with himself in his addiction. He describes that there was a lot of grace from God at this moment because he was able to see past some of the numbness and denial and ask himself, "Why I am doing what I'm doing when I know what I know"?  He knew God loved him. He had seen God's work in lots of other people’s lives and had witnessed those experiences. He didn't know if he'd get divorced, excommunicated from the church, etc., but he knew he couldn't keep going on like this. So he jumped. 

When Kayla came home he picked her up at the airport and went straight to a therapist’s office and he commenced telling her everything. Needless to say, it didn’t go well at all. Kayla had no idea and was truly blindsided. Steven said, “I don't think I will ever really understand how horrible that experience was for her.” Although Kayla had all of the emotions that come with the devastation of experiencing betrayal trauma she also had some powerful experiences with God that made her believe there was meaning and purpose for staying with Steven.

Steven’s first stop was the LifeStar IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in May 2014, then the LifeStar 3-Phase program with individual therapy and couples therapy. He went through formal church discipline and was disfellowshipped. Over time, staying honest has been one of the hardest parts of recovery for Steven. He came back into full fellowship in the church in September 2015 (16 months). In December of 2016, he had an acting out experience he chose to not be honest about. He chose to justify that he could keep that one to himself and still work recovery. Steven said, “Yup, just as I’m sure you’re thinking right now, that does not work.” He continued to have sporadic slips with masturbation and pornography, which sometimes he would disclose and sometimes not. In the spring of 2018, he had two more acting out experiences. Still doing a lot of recovery work, albeit on his dual life terms, God continued to prompt him to get 100% honest and back in full recovery. With God’s help in August of 2018, he came forward and was again 100% honest. In December of 2018, he was excommunicated from the LDS church.  

Steven and Kayla’s relationship has been like watching the grass grow.  There haven't been these moments where it was like a "magic wand" and their relationship just got so much better.  But over time they have seen change, growth, regaining of trust and are happier. The lack of honesty has been, by far the hardest thing for Kayla. However, despite the ups and downs, she has felt like Steven is changing and she is too. In January of 2019, Steven’s recovery hit its low point when he acted out again with another woman. This took him beyond a place where he could justify, deny, or carry himself out of. “That is the darkest I have ever seen him,” Kayla shared. This forced Steven and Kayla to choose a life of surrender with God or break. Both of them describe how recovery has been so different since that time and how they have continued to find healing and recovery. We often end podcasts by asking the couple who share what they would tell those struggling out there. From our My Story page here is what Steven would say:

I am broken and believe I will only fully heal by turning my heart to God. Despite my struggles, I am still unashamed as ever and working hard on being unafraid to come unto Christ for myself. I intentionally wanted to share my story not being "perfect" or 100% recovered because I'm unashamed.  I know I will find 100% sobriety sooner rather than later. I don’t believe I will have to struggle my whole life. Kayla believes this too. Even though I have continued to give her every reason not to, she does. This has truly been one of the greatest graces of my life. I am so ashamed about how much pain I have caused her and hope for her healing more than my own. I will continually have stories of men on the podcast from months of sobriety not looking back, to men who have five-plus years of sobriety and can't believe they were ever addicted.  I know God loves me and He loves you. My hope is that by sharing my story in a vulnerable, open way, you can have the courage to share your story, reach out, get help, and get loved. If you are struggling with addiction I want you to know you don't have to! You are not alone! The adversary wants you to think that if you come out of your addiction, or really try and tackle it, that everyone will hate you, that your wife will leave you, that your kids will hate you, and that God will slam the door on you. Don't believe it!  Reach out and see! 

"I said there's plenty people like me, all outsiders like me, and all unashamed and all unafraid to live out what they supposed to be "outsiders - Lecrae 

"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. ... I will not leave you comfortless: I WILL COME TO YOU." John 14: 1,18

"What must the sheep do to qualify for this divine help? Does the sheep need to know how to use a complicated sextant to calculate its coordinates? Does it need to be able to use a GPS to define its position? Does it have to have the expertise to create an app that will call for help? Does the sheep need endorsements by a sponsor before the Good Shepherd will come to the rescue? No. Certainly not! The sheep is worthy of divine rescue simply because it is loved by the Good Shepherd."  He Will Place You on His Shoulders and Carry You Home - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

If these stories resonate with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. We here at Unashamed Unafraid are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Christ Jesus; for that is such an important part of true and everlasting recovery from any addiction and trauma that we have all experienced.  Please follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid. Donate to help others in recovery at Here. Or reach out to a member of our team Here.